No, Really? My Two Cents on Substitute Realities

Spare Change | April 24, 2009 | David J Aland

[Natty Bumppo@frontier.net]

Writing about politics in Washington DC can be difficult, because the things that really happen here too often look like some theater-of-the-absurd production. It’s hard to make up the stuff seen routinely in this town. DC is a target-rich environment for absurdity, a truly reality-optional area. While often you simply fall right off the reality train, sometimes you actually get pushed:

- Facing outrage over a porked-up budget proposal that exceeds 3 trillion dollars (imagine a warehouse filled with hundred dollar bills – then imagine two more), the President has ordered his Cabinet to “slash” $100 million from the budget, or about one-quarter of one hundredth of one percent. That’s like removing one of the ten-thousand pallets of $100 bills from the three warehouses full of money; like trimming your toenails to lose weight.

- Americans generally do not criminalize politics – tinpot dictators like Hugo Chavez routinely bring criminal charges against political foes, because that’s what dictators do. Presumably, that’s why the President insisted that there would be no criminal proceedings against people who drafted the guidance on interrogating terrorists, even while Nancy Pelosi was begging to play grand inquisitor. That is, until he decided that it was too much fun to pass up. To bolster his point, he also released the CIA memoranda detailing that process, just in case any of our adversaries wanted to know.

- The Justice Department seems to think it’s OK to prosecute lawyers who honestly err in the line of duty, but absolves politicians who deliberately screw up. Rep John Murtha recently got a pass for slandering Marines simply because he’s a congressman, but the lawyers who advised our last President on interrogation may face indictments. Has anyone figured out that there is a difference between protecting someone in the execution of their duties, and shielding a blowhard who abuses the power of his office?

- The White House was locked down and the Senate building evacuated when a small plane strayed into restricted DC airspace today. The House stayed in session, thought, mostly because Al Gore was testifying uncontested to his inconvenient untruths about global warming. Perhaps his hot air updraft kept the plane clear of the House of Representatives.

- The networks are apparently having to reconsider how to handle Sweeps Week this year. The President has asked for yet another prime-time slot to celebrate his first 100 days in office. Since “Project Runway” has been tied up in litigation, perhaps the President would like to replace it with “Project Runaway Government.” Or “Napolitano Says the Darndest Things.” Or “Who Wants to Tax the Pants off a Millionaire?”

- It’s a good thing that Air Force One doesn’t dispense Frequent Flyer miles. Is there, perhaps, a Mileage Plus Premier Chief Executive status out there? How many apologies to foreign heads of state can one redeem with all those miles? Is that where the White House gets cheap DVDs and iPods? Kind of puts a whole new spin on the term “Duty Free.”

- Tim Geithner says the banks have to take government money. Then he says they have to fire people. Then he says they have to cap salaries. Then he says they can’t pay back the loans. Then he says no one gets out of the box until everyone is able to do so. Then he says he doesn’t understand why it’s taking so long for the banks to get money circulating again. Small wonder he couldn’t figure out Turbo-Tax.

- A quarter of a million Americans hit the street on Tax Day to protest government waste. A comedian called it racist. A news network told dirty jokes. The major newspapers ignored it. Nancy Pelosi professed not to notice. It was probably during the interrogation methods briefing she also doesn’t remember...

- When Monty Python did it, it was funny: debate reduced to “Yes, you did,” and “No, I didn’t.” But when politicians do it, it’s scary. And when leaders resort to narcissistic and self-referential affirmations as proof of something, it’s positively unreal. The Presidents favorite refutation, “I’m convinced I’m right on this” may well have been what Nero said when choosing the music he planned to play.

So there it is: the worst part to writing about politics in Washington DC is picking a topic when there are so many from which to choose. In fact, sometimes it isn’t even worth the trouble. Elsewhere, the reality train may be running on time, but back here, things are still a mess as they clean up the remains of the last realist to get shoved onto the tracks.