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Sure beats using the Defecator! If this really works the streets will be pretty smelly. Is it legal to use such a device for crowd control? Does the Mayor and Govenor of CO have to approve or Just Howard Dean and the DNC?

Denver Police Use “Defecator” At Graduation

Denver—In what can only be referred to as a fecal disaster, Denver police were forced to use the “crap cannon”—commonly referred to as the “Defecator”—on raucous parents at the Abraham Lincoln High School graduation ceremony.

Unconfirmed reports claim that four unruly parents were the victims of a test run for the Democratic National Convention in August, attempting to celebrate their children’s graduation as they received their diploma.

“All I did,” whined Chris Davis, a 38-year old accountant, “is applaud and yell ‘congratulations’ when my son got his diploma. The next thing I know is that I’m making a mad dash for the men’s restroom, but it was too late. Somebody is going to pay for my cleaning bill!”

“This is an utter disgrace,” fired John Dankenmeyer, a 40-year old partner and attorney at Ramsey, Geney and Dankenmeyer. “I am going to sue the Denver Police and the public schools. Brooks Brother’s suits aren’t cheap!”

“I practically ruined these new pumps,” cried Shirley Calibaster, a 39-year old pharmaceutical saleswoman for the Bayer Corporation. “I had to suffer the humiliation and indignity of defecating on my self for mutter the words, ‘you go girl,’ when they handed my daughter the diploma. I will never forget that horrible night. The public schools and the Denver Police ruined a perfectly good graduation. Those pigs!”

Mayor Hickenlooper confirmed that the graduation incident was indeed a test run for the Democratic National Convention. It certainly appears that it can be used effectively to disperse unruly crowds at the convention, leaving feces lining the streets.

“You have to admit it was funny,” quipped Sergeant Jim Stanko of the Denver Police Department. “Things work far better with the ‘Defecator.’ It was amusing to see the shock and awe on the faces of the out of control parents as they grabbed their shorts while running.”

The Denver public school system had only one comment. It was that parents were warned against excessive celebration at their children’s graduation, and that they would be “prosecuted by the long arm of the law.”

Since the incident, rumors have surfaced that Rush Limbaugh might possibly have been behind the development of the “Defecator.” A spokesperson for Rush Limbaugh noted that “he, nor anyone on his staff had anything to do with the “Defecator.” As much as Rush would enjoy seeing liberals defecate on themselves, he had nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with this.”

“You know what I think,” laughed Sergeant Stanko. “I think that as much fun as I’ll have using this on Glenn Spagnuolo and Re-create 68 at the convention, I can think of five members of the Supreme Court I’d like to use it on right now. Those communists!”

From sea to shining sea, people could be defecating, simply by celebrating their own child’s graduation. It seems insignificant, but it is only a reminder that liberalism will take liberty after liberty.