CLOSING IN ON MEDIOCRITY

Barack Obama suggested we save on gas by keeping our tires inflated. After all, it worked on his head. Obama is going to save America with a tire gauge and a dipstick. (He may include a squeegee - if neatness counts.) Whatever money you save at the gas pump, Obama asks you to remember on Election Day that your tires are black.

If many more people stop buying the New York Times, its editor will just be standing around with his opinion flapping in the breeze. As has been said, journalists are like eunuchs. They see it done all the time but they can’t do it themselves.

Barack Obama proposes giving another stimulus package of $1000 for everybody in America – which is nowhere near the amount Eliot Spitzer paid to “hooker” Ashley Dupre to get his package “stimulated”.

The latest definition of a responsive Congressman is one who is never too busy to tell a constituent to “Drop dead”.

Barack Obama’s “short list” is composed of the people who are the most full of “short”.

President George W. Bush will shortly be bringing his “new tone” home to Texas. The Mexicans are already lining up there to attend the ceremony in which George W. will re-surrender the Alamo to them.

The last black man who could have taught Barack Obama how to deal with Germans was Joe Louis. The German’s name was Max Schmeling.

Obama doesn’t wear a flag pin because he doesn’t want anyone to suspect him of being a true American. So far no one has accused him of it. (“The wicked flee when no man pursueth”.)

Thursday has been suggested as the best day of the week to deliver America’s garbage to Mexico – or just gift wrap it and let them steal it.

A researcher reveals that Hussein is the Arab name for Buckwheat. Of course it’s a loose translation.

The Ignacio Ramos and Jose Campean frame-up has all the noxious reek of the Alfred Dreyfus’ court-martial.

Obama says he doesn’t look like the guys on the dollar bills. Maybe he’ll get lucky if the Treasury Department decides to issue a three dollar bill. If that doesn’t work out, there’s always the Deutschmark – and even Der Fuhrer didn’t get his picture on that.

Rock star Ludacris wants to paint the White House black. Will that include painting the white half of Barack Obama black? While the subject of rock music abides, what America needs most is for medical science to produce a virus that attacks the central nervous system of electric guitars.

John McCain went to Sturgis, South Dakota, to attend its annual roughhouse motorcycle gang rally. It’s rumored he roared into town on a Harley Davidson. Not to be outdone, Obama’s campaign staff is looking around for a Hell’s Angels rally where Barack can prove how macho he is by rolling into their midst on a pastry cart spinning a parasol over his shoulder.

In San Francisco an illegal immigrant was arrested five times for selling cocaine. When reported to Mayor Gavin Newsome, he asked, “What’s the record?”

Second language advocate Barack Obama wants to bring Haitians to America because they speak French (and will probably urinate in the streets.)

Sharks have to keep swimming in order to keep from drowning. Bill Clinton is a shark that only worries about being drowned out. Arkansas ruined politics for everybody.

Obama should rename his campaign Flip Flop Incorporated. The fact that Barack Obama is both black and white indicates that flip flopping runs in the family.

Vladimir Putin says the Russians will return to Cuba. This is a declaration of war on America that is apparent to everybody except the two guys running for President.

Obama’s political speeches must come from the Twilight Zone. They sound like they were written on twilight paper.

Despite the conventional wisdom, it is global warming that created the impending disaster called Al Gore.

For a conservative, having a choice like John McCain in the voting booth must feel something akin to getting raped on your wedding night.

Ehud Olmert will be remembered as Israel’s kapo President. Isn’t it time for Jehovah to act?

It’s said, the tunesmiths down in Tin Pan Alley are already composing this year’s holiday carol called Kwanzaa in Kenya.

The medical community reports that the widespread occurrence of HIV is causing an epidemic of statistics - the significance of which is not clear. Nowadays the medical profession is making it clear that both the disease and the cure can kill you – but the one you can least afford is likely to kill you first.

As of this writing Nancy “Grossie” Pelosie, the Ma Barker of the House of Representatives, has had her book fall completely off the charts – and that was with a lucky bounce. It’s rumored she’s at work on her autobiography to be called “Wrong and Loving It”. (It is fortunate for her Democrat colleagues that there is no criminal charge for aiding and abetting stupidity.)

If Berliners are so anxious for an apology from America let’s leave Obama at home, resurrect an echelon of B-17s and let them deliver our regrets from 10,000 feet. How come nobody on his staff told Obama about World War 2? It was in all the newspapers. (It is assumable should Obama get elected he will rename the Presidential Plane “Appeaser One".)

The French military crumbled in World War 2, scuttled their own fleet in Toulon, got their asses run out of Algeria, and had their butts kicked at Dien Bien Phu. The last French soldier who fired a shot in anger was the fictional Foreign Legionnaire Beau Geste. Obama and French President Sarkozy must have gotten along like gangbusters. (By now Obama has fiddled around in more countries than Itzhak Perlman.)

Late-breaking Irony: Bill Clinton has reached the age where he is eligible for “a mercy hump”. (Bill Clinton did not invent penicillin – but his promiscuity gave the guy who did a sense of urgency.)

It might be a consolation to Ted Kennedy to be reminded of the words of Methuselah on his 939th birthday, "You reach a certain age where you're not supposed to feel good".

Those Muslim lady suicide bombers in Iraq who pulled the pin on themselves have given new poignancy to the question, “Are my lips on straight?”

Inasmuch as it may be proof of eligibility for reparations, minorities have proposed drilling for slave blood.

If Alan Greenspan is the man of journalist Andrea Mitchell’s dreams, all her other opinions come under serious question.

Environmentalists will put a bounty on fat people - either that, or donate them to the U.S. Sixth Fleet to be towed at sea for target practice.

It is rumored Michelle Obama excelled at Princeton University in political science. The word is she majored in Bumper Stickers.

Mayor Gavin Newsom of San Francisco has kept the homeless from losing their rightful place in the gutter. The Sanitation Department workers are demanding a raise for sweeping around them.

Barack Obama wants to make America an oil free country in ten years. Why not by Thursday? T. Boone Pickens says the answer to the energy crisis is windmills. Presumably the sooner we start drilling for wind, the better.

Michelle “High Drama” Obama, the socialist prom queen, is having a makeover. A good place to start is with her attitude. She has certainly earned her a black belt in condescension.

A principle study among Affirmative Action students is Cockamamie Theology which is actually Cockamamie Socialism.

Paradox: How does the mainstream media expect to help Obama win the election with its circulation and viewership going down the porcelain receptacle?

It seems clear that Arnold Schwarzenegger went into politics because he knew there would be no heavy lifting. Why doesn’t Arnold just rename the capital of California Taxcramento?

Had he been President instead of FDR, Obama would have agreed to discuss the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor with Emperor Hirohito “without preconditions”.

Now that it is clear that Human Rights advocates are being barred from the Games in Beijing, the official song of the Olympics may become “I’d love to get you on a slave boat to China”.

To insure success in dealing with foreign despots would Obama have to bring along a groveling carpet? It seems probable that an Obama cabinet would have is own Secretary of Groveling.

There are probably more tattoos on Amy Winehouse’s carcass than there were on the entire crew of the Spanish Armada.

It is time Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer (those kosher heavily scarfed and sequined sisters in socialism) were purged from the Senate. Feinstein, the Mother Teresa of West Coast deviants, misfits and illegal fruit pickers, and Barbara Boxer, the scheming Richelieu in drag, in a world raging with anti-Semitism financed by the Saudis, they sit silent and let evangelical Christians express outrage for them.

Journalists, like critics, usually observe the battle from a hilltop, and after it’s over they come down and shoot the wounded.

I never heard anyone accuse an actor of being smart. Jon Voight is a refreshing change. When the Hollywood glitterati get through castigating Voight, he will probably be tempted to use his Oscar as a doorstop.

Changing the name Burma to Myanmar did not create a paradise in that country as the Buddha heads expected. One wonders why they found the name Myanmar so “catchy”.

An apt name for coming up with hair-brained schemes has earned Obama the sobriquet “Barack Lobotomy”. (Here’s another way to save gas on a par with Obama’s suggestion for inflating your tires - don’t let your dog in the car. Make him run along side.)

“The natives are restless” is not the entire quotation. The rest of it is “so let’s postpone the election”.

Paradox: How does the mainstream media expect to help Obama win the election with its circulation and viewership going down the porcelain receptacle?

Good to see you. Cheers, Norm.

This is not funny, insightful, or particularly helpful

and it is more than a bit racist- leave garbage out gift-wrapped so mexicans will steal it?

I am banging the gong on this one...

3 posted on 08/11/2008 7:53:50 AM PDT by Mr. K (Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help)

Some people actually think Obama’s tire inflation remedy is brilliant.

4 posted on 08/11/2008 7:54:16 AM PDT by popdonnelly (Boycott Washington D.C. until they allow gun ownership)

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