They really should just publish a story titled, “Everything man does screws up the environment” and be done with it so we don’t have to read these stories anymore.
WASHINGTON (AP) -- In a final report of the 15 environmental protection organizations and agencies, experts have released data showing that "everything" humans do causes harm to the environment. Things as simple as walking, using the bathroom, and breathing have been targeted in the study, to be released later today.
"We have slowly become aware of our impact on Mother Earth," said one of the study's 12 main authors, "but now we are certain that there really isn't anything we can do that will not harm her."
The 250 page report lists among other things, formerly environmentally friendly activities such as planting trees, recycling, and taking public transit as environmentally harmful. "Even the slightest movement that people make affects weather patterns that could potentially destroy fragile habitats on the other side of the globe," said one of the leading members of the environmental group who commissioned the study.
For those who believe that killing themselves is the ultimate good for the environment, the study disagrees. In a draft obtained by AP reporters, the study reads that killing oneself has an impact greater than "20,000 SUV-miles", a measure coined by the study's author.
Ironically, the final conclusion from the draft copy recommends that humanity "eliminate efforts to stabilize current environmental conditions" and that we must accept "large changes in habitats and climate measurements" in the future. Several study commissioners told the AP that the conclusions may be edited in the final report.