Howie’s Sunday Herald column
McCain scandal is as silly as a blonde joke
By Howie Carr | Sunday, February 24, 2008 | http://www.bostonherald.com
Vicki Iseman looks like a younger version of Cindy McCain.
That’s the bottom line of this whole John McCain non-scandal.
Forget the facts, or lack thereof. They can never admit it, but this is what The New York Times [NYT] is hanging its hat on: John McCain’s first wife was a blonde, his second wife is a blonde, and Vicki Iseman is a blonde.
Case closed. John McCain must be guilty, that horny old goat.
The reality is that guys, like racehorses, generally run true to form. When they ditch one woman, they usually hook up with one that matches up pretty well with the earlier model, only younger. Key word: younger.
Any port in a storm, obviously, and everyone knows the dames all look better at closing time. But over the long haul, most guys have a preference.
John Wayne had a thing for Latinas. John Kerry likes ’em very old and very, very rich. And John McCain, like so many gentlemen, prefers blondes.
A slender reed on which to hang a front-page “expose,” but the Times in recent years has become a disreputable left-wing rag. And it has become clear that its particular obsession is pillorying heterosexual white males in uniform (even if it’s only the uniform of the Duke lacrosse team).
Forget “All the News That’s Fit to Print.” The Times’ new motto is “Never Let the Facts Get in the Way of a Good Story.” You know, there are some stories that are just too darned good to check out. Just ask Jason Blair. As we used to say at the old Channel 7, “If it’s news to you, it’s news to us.”
When the news breaks, the Times fixes it.
But even the Times, in its current debased state, might have balked at running this trash-for-cash, as they used to call the tabloids’ anti-Clinton sex stories. This rampant sexual McCarthyism, to dust off another of the Sulzbergers’ favorite phrases from a decade ago, would never have passed muster if it hadn’t been for the guys-always-go-for-the-same-type angle. You know this was the newsroom argument that took two months to resolve.
Editor: “This story is crap. You have nothing here.”
Reporter: “What are you talking about? Look at the photos, dammit! She’s the spitting image of Cindy!”
This phenomenon is seldom discussed in polite company. The first place I ever saw it mentioned in print was by Dan Jenkins in “Semi-Tough,” a novel I’m pretty sure Pinch Sulzberger and Frank Rich never read, because why would they? “Semi-Tough” isn’t about Broadway show tunes, it’s about pro football.
Women, too, run to types. To put it in terms the Times editorial board might better understand, consider Judy Garland. What kind of guys did she marry? And guess what: Her daughter Liza Minnelli went exactly the same way. That David Guest was a real he-man type, wasn’t he?
This pinnacle of the double standard is almost enough to make you feel sorry for John McCain. Almost. What the hell was he thinking of, going out to dinner with a broad who looked like his wife, only 15 years younger? Did he think people were going to think he was dining with . . . his niece?
There’s an old political saying that John McCain must have heard somewhere along the line:
“If they see you twice with a drink, you’re a drunk. If they see twice with a girl, you’re (expletive) her. If they see twice with a guy, you’re gay.”
McCain claims his aides never discussed this “appearance of impropriety” with him, but if they didn’t, they should have. Especially given the fact that in his younger days, he touched everything but the third rail. I don’t care what Cindy said in Toledo last week, you can bet that the senator is happy to be on the campaign trail, because back at home, the only dinner Cindy’d be serving him right now is hot tongue and cold shoulder.
But there is a bright side, beyond uniting the conservative base of the GOP. McAmnesty won’t have to make himself the butt of any more jokes on MTV about being “older than dirt,” at least for a while.
And Viagra probably won’t be asking him to do any spots with Bob Dole. At least until after November.
Article URL: http://www.bostonherald.com/news/opinion/columnists/view.bg?articleid=1075577
Oh man! Howie is the best.
As always, thanks for the ping.
Yo Howie, what's wrong with this sentence....grammatical errors, was it you or the newspaper that screwed up?
Howie nails it every time! Pretty soon he'll be the only LIVE talent on RKO.......wonder how long it will be before some producer tells Howie it's his last show??