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I have a vision of a loutish fellow, bald save for a ponytail, who wears red sneakers with his tuxedo on special occasions. But there are so many of these!

He has on navy blue polyester slacks with brown snakeskin cowboy boots and a pink muscle shirt with green stripes. He has sideburns like you haven't seen since TBS last ran "Play Misty for Me", topped with a comb-over that looks like it was done by a spider on Xanax. He does not drive a Saab. He will only refer to pasta as "noodles." There are jumper cables sitting on his dining room table. His name is Joe, but he goes by Ricky, which confuses relatives who want to buy him bowling shirts.

His common law wife's name is June, but he calls her Candy, except when she dips below four hundred pounds, then he calls her Dot. When he wants to make love, he winks at her and says, "Doggy needs a walk." Then he puts on the Oak Ridge Boys to camouflage the squeak of Dot's gigantic ass on his sky blue recliner. Ricky times his thrusts with the "woo-boppa, woo-boppa, woo-boppa mao mao" part of the song "Elvira" and attempts to hold off his orgasm by trying to remember the names of Richard Petty's pit crew......but then he remembers the fuel man Nick was named "Boob," causing him to finish up. So Joe / Ricky pinches the filter off one of Candy / Dot's Virginia Slims and grabs the remote to try to find a fishing show or a lumberjack competition and......and.......I'm lost, what was this rant about? Oh yeah, this guy Joe is an idiot.