Posted on 01/07/2008 6:58:30 AM PST by shrinkermd
My grandmother recently, and reluctantly, asked if I could give her some money.
There's no question my wife, Amy, and I will give her the funds; she raised me and is, by and large, the woman I consider my mom. She has always been kind to Amy. If we have the discretionary cash that can make my grandmother's life happy, shouldn't we hand it over?
Yet the request has caused us a lot of angst.
Part of our concern is where this will lead. Although my grandmother isn't asking for a lot of money -- just a few hundred dollars -- when you open your wallet to family members, the first time is rarely the last. We don't want to get in the position of becoming my grandmother's ATM.
But it's more than that. Amy and I have worked hard to earn this money, and it's frustrating to have somebody want to tap into our account. What's more, my grandmother will no doubt use the money for things that we'd never buy ourselves. We don't want to feel like suckers for funding a lifestyle that we might consider indulgent.
So that leads us to the question we've been grappling with: When providing financial assistance to a family member, is it fair to say the money comes with constraints on how it is spent? Or, is financial assistance an exercise in unconditional love?
(Excerpt) Read more at online.wsj.com ...
The guy’s a piece of work. I love the ending, where he assures us that he’s going to give her the money, and say nothing about it. Other than making it the topic of a column in the WSJ, that is. Spare me!
I’d just like to say that, as one on the tail-end of the baby
boom, I’d never treat someone who raised me like this self-centered Gen X-er. Nor would the majority of “boomers” that I know.
Nothing. Not a word; except for writing an article about her in a national newspaper.
Offspring like these is why the Roman Republic originally had the law of patria potestas.
I don't see it, myself. However, if people want to support their grown children in royal style, I don't mind ... as long as they don't complain about it to me!
Strings ought to be attached. I supported one son through college. He studied hard, and had a part-time job. He graduated in four years and now has a good job. I would have done the same for his younger brother - except that this son was not sufficiently motivated to study. He blew off his classes. I told him to go get a job instead. When/if he gets serious about college, I will pay for it.
Your posting above, to the effect that parents typically supply MORE than only that which they are obligated to supply, is correct.
I am much better off financially than my dysfunctional parents were. It's my hope that my children will do better than I have. Toward that end, we have helped my daughters with education and help with acquiring the too-expensive real estate in our state.
I do not anticipate needing to supply any more help past the time that they turn 30. They will have the foundation that will enable them to thrive. The rest is pretty much up to them.
While helping them, I have to keep and eye toward how my wife and I will fare. As early retirees we may face thirty years of more of retirement. Despite adopting a fairly conservative approach, it's still difficult not to become concerned when the market is not doing well.
We recently met a woman who is 99 and looking forward to reaching 100 next March. She lives alone in an "assisted living" environment. Though it is none of my business, I would be quite interested to know what her resources are. How does one survive to the age of 100 with adequate resources to be financially independent? Even with a normal retirement age, that is a lot of years to go without the ability to earn an income.
In the case of this elderly lady, it is quite apparent that she greatly appreciates the small cash gifts that arrive on birthdays and Christmas. They supply her with what is apparently her discretionary "spending money".
IF there is a close family member who is willing to show you their spending vs their intake to prove the need for the money, that is one thing. If it is evident that there is a need, I suggest that you agree to pay for Grandmother’s power bill DIRECTLY or her heating oil bill DIRECTLY. That way, no other person can influence the grandmother to “let them have a few bucks” when you are the pipeline sending the money in and you are unaware of how the money is going out.
When my Dad was still alive, I know that he was only getting about $250/month in Soc Sec, and that he had no pension from his job. I paid for his property taxes, his propane, and his wood for his supplemental wood burning furnace, which lowered his propane bill dramatically. I did not give him outright cash, and with the limited Soc Sec funds he was getting, he couldn’t squander it anywhere.
In paying his property taxes, I made sure that he was never delinquent and shoved out of his home.
It was kinda tight for me to do this, but I literally got a second job to be able to pay those taxes- which were about $800/ a year when he was alive and soon rose to over $2000 a year after I inherited his small home. Now I notice that Wisconsin Governor Doyle is proposing a tax increase rate on property taxes of over 4.3%.
Glad I sold the house to my brother.
We don’t want to get in the position of becoming my grandmother’s ATM.
Ass!!! Yes I said it and stand by it. This is the woman who raised you and certainly you were an open ATM during your youth. If my parents needed money they would get it no questions asked (has not happened yet but you never know). What a selfish jerk!!!!
JEFF IS AN IDIOT WHO KNOWS NOTHING OF TRUE FINANCIAL PLANNING YET LEADS THOUSANDS DOWN THE WRONG ROAD DAILY.
F U JEFF!
She had been cleaned out by several phone scams. Seems these people would call and sell stuff and they seemed so nice on the phone....”
This problem is more prevalent that any of us realize, until it hits home for us.
Our parents generation was taught that one just “didn’t talk about money” for any reason. They will keep quiet. They will also keep quiet because they are embarrassed about being scammed. Some of the elderly aren’t able to trigger a self-preservation response and just hang up on these leeches.
I, for one, would like to see the book thrown at the scam artists that they catch. It is a total disgrace, IMO.
“My sister is learning this with her grown daughter who insists that her parents continue supporting her LUXURIOUS lifestyle even after she marries in a few months.”
My sister is doing this to my parents.
I bowed out of going to her wedding, and didn’t send a gift.”
Good for you...
IMO, Your parents need an intervention. Now- before they are so broke they cannot afford to retire.
Absolutely you can put strings on it. If ever my family members come to me I do the same thing. Enough strings and they try to earn their own $$$.
My Mom was truly the only real parent I have (or ever had)...she always supported me however she could...so...if she ever asks for money...it’s hers...no questions.
That is great! Now, as far as, your father is concerned, I don’t fault you on that at all, but this POS does not give evidence that she was anything but loving and “an open ATM” for him growing up.
Exactly, which is why I think the author of this tripe is a clown...and a disgrace to his family...
If my Grandma, RELUCTANTLY asked me for money...a few hundred dollars...I would GIVE it...not loan it...GIVE it, UNLESS it was for Gambling, Drinking or to give to someone else.
Amen...how EMBARRASSING for the grandma to now be known country-wide that she NEEDS MONEY!! HOW DARE HE!
This guy would fall over dead knowing that my wife and I have an account for each nephew (have 4 and one on the way in May) that we put money in every payday (usually 20 to 50 dollars...depending) and we still have three kids. We obviously do more for our kids. But I think there is nothing better than giving a money gift every now and again. My wife and I are very happy to do so. The kids will not get the money until they are older so it will be fun to give it to them someday.
Tell her to get a job!
Sounds like his poor grandmother raised a selfish piece of filth. Guess he never heard of "Honor Your Father and Mother".
What goes around, comes around. I hope he spends his final years abandoned in a third rate "retirement" home, lying in his own filth.
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