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Bill Clinton Complains about Media Campaign Coverage [semi-satire]

Jan. 6, 2008

Bill Clinton voiced his anger at the media’s “biased” coverage of his wife’s campaign and suggested that this will force Hillary to go negative on Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.).

“My wife spent 8 years as ‘assistant president’ and 12 years as ‘assistant governor’ of Arkansas,” Clinton asserted. “The media isn’t giving her the credit for this governing experience. Instead, they continue dredging up old charges.”

Clinton insisted that “my wife and I have been totally exonerated of every single charge ever leveled against us. We never stole a nickel. No one ever handed us a bribe. There are no credible living witnesses to any of the supposed crimes that we are alleged to have committed.”

On the flip side, Clinton contended that “Obama is getting a ‘free pass’ on some crucial issues.” “You know, Obama is half white,” Clinton reminded. “Yet, he is lionized as the ‘first black candidate’ to win a primary. Of course, you never hear that the other half isn’t really ‘black’ as Americans understand it. It’s Muslim. In this era of Islamic jihad would it be prudent to elect a president who is half Muslim? That’s the kind of question the media should be asking.”

In related news, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) found herself dealing with a New Hampshire rally attendee’s confusion regarding her pledge to “work for change.” The question from Democratic precinct chairwoman Martha Luney left Mrs. Clinton at a momentary loss of words. “Wouldn’t it be undignified for the president to have to hustle for spare change?” Luney asked. “Even though it might save millions on salary, isn’t the deficit in the billions?”

“You raise some good points,” Mrs. Clinton replied. “It’s just a proposal right now. The idea will be thoroughly analyzed by my advisors for its social and fiscal impacts before a definite decision to go ahead is made.”

Presidential rival Obama pounced on Clinton’s “gaffe.” “With half the people of this country living on the streets, many subsisting on spare change, the least the president can do is work without a salary,” Obama declared. “That is what I pledge to do until this nation comes together as one.”

The confusion may be widespread among Democratic voters. A survey indicated that among the Democrats voting for “change” about a third of them interpret this to mean that the candidates are promising to personally give away their spare change. Elroy Addleson, a Democratic caucus participant from Iowa was one of these. “It’s a question of generosity,” Addleson said. “When a person gives spare change to a poor man he’s saying he cares about him. That’s the kind of person I want to be our next president.”