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Howie’s column from today’s Herald

Advil defense hard to swallow
By Howie Carr | Wednesday, December 19, 2007 | http://www.bostonherald.com | Columnists

Convicted felon Tom Finneran should only be crying one kind of tears this Christmas - tears of joy, that he’s not spending the holidays in Club Fed, where he so obviously belongs.

How many times do I have to tell this crooked hack - self-pity is not good box office.

And now, in his pathetic attempt to keep his law license, despite his preposterous perjury to the First Circuit Court of Appeals in 2003, the should-be jailbird comes up with yet another ridiculous defense: he’s an Advil junkie.

Felon Finneran now claims he was “gulping” 16 Advils a day when he got up on the witness stand and started lying.

Move over, Twinkies, here comes The Advil Defense. You thought Oxys were bad, have you ever seen anyone in the throes of an Advil jones?

When Tommy Taxes was first elected, the House speaker was Tommy McGee. He used to tell stories about his days as a “knee-walkin’ drunk,” as George Bush would say. McGee’s Sunday oh-my-God-the-packy’s-closed drink of choice was either mouthwash or aftershave, I can’t remember which one.

But now Felon Finneran tops poor McGee. He was hooked on Advils.

Didn’t he say earlier this year that he was overcome with the compulsion to lie because his sainted bride needed a ride to Mass. General? He used that lame excuse when he copped the plea to Judge Stearns on the one count of obstruction of justice.

But these days, you always need a new excuse. So now Alibi Ike was on Advil, plus he was angry about being called a racist, just because he was trying to disenfranchise black voters in the city of Boston. How dare those black people sue him! Hey Tommy Taxes, you know who really feels your pain - Sen. Robert Byrd.

So Tommy’s lost his ticket, at least temporarily. His $32,000-a-year state pension is also history, and as an aside I’d like to advise the State Retirement Board: Don’t even think about giving him back his kiss in the mail.

I know, he’s going under the knife next week. Of course, I went under earlier this year and he took the opportunity to suggest that he and Deval and the Staties put me in the trunk of the Coupe DeVille. Not that I’m bitter, you understand. Unlike Tommy, I live by the words of James Michael Curley. Never complain, never explain.

The fact is, Tommy Taxes has caused a lot of weeping himself over the years. Like, when he deep-sixed the death penalty, approved by a vast majority of Massachusetts voters.

This is a guy who thought he was the smartest man in the room. Maybe he was, but only if the room was at the State House. In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man shall lead. His highhanded tactics drove out anyone with an IQ over 80. Two words sum up the state of the Legislature when Tommy Taxes ran it: “Chairman Kujawski.”

During his perjury binge, Finneran claimed he knew nothing about the redistricting scheme. See, it was being handled by another of his three-watt acolytes, Tom Petrolati, who told the grand jury that he did not know what river the Mystic Tobin Bridge spanned. After listening to Petro, the grand jury did not indict him. They believed he was that stupid. They were right.

Promoting only the likes of Petrolati and Kujawski, Felon Finneran turned a deliberative body into little more than a sheltered workshop for the unemployable, which is now, let’s face it, what Tommy Taxes is - unemployable.

I was looking forward to finishing him off personally, but alas, it was not to be. Someone else will have to ice him, not that it’s a tough assignment. Tommy ought to look on the bright side - my sources say he’s got at least 14 months left on his contract, not that I’m counting the days, you understand.
Article URL: http://www.bostonherald.com/news/opinion/columnists/view.bg?articleid=1054716