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Re: Countdown to the end.....?

I remember as a child laying awake at night, terrified that I was going to “get left behind” for some childish bad thing I’d done or thought or some mistake I’d done. That was around age 8-12 and I would continue to have similar fear through my teenage years. I remember being terrified around year 2000 and always worried about this...”antichrist” who was going to somehow do all these terrible things to people who weren’t “born again” AND had not lost their salvation/committed some sin. I’d lay awake at night and be terrified during the day asking over and over “what if I commit a sin, and don’t have time to confess and ask God forgiveness and repent and get...left behind?!” “what if I’m in some sin that I don’t even recognize and I get......left behind?” “what if I’m watching something on TV that’s somehow a “sin” and Jesus returns and I get......left behind?” “what if I commit the unpardonable sin and get....left behind?”

Some days I’d even lay awake worrying that I had dropped a few cents while placing my 10% tithes into the offering plate or that I had miscalculated my tithes and....something bad would happen........
Then there was all the Eph 6:1-3 teachings which caused me to worry since no one could answer the question “what if a child rebels against a parent or pastor who is being abusive?”(no, not just a little strict or “setting some standards”.........) and “why don’t all these rules of non-violence and other rules apply to church leaders and parents?”

Another issue was the issue of music. Many of the christians and some of the church leaders and my parents said that ANY music “with a beat”(including Christian Contemporary and Christian Rock) was “of Satan and had backmasking” yet OTHER CHRISTIANS said that was nonsense and....BOTH SIDES used the BIBLE to back their side up...so........how the f*** am I supposed to even know what to do when no one could even figure out what is actually a sin in the “eyes of God” according to that infallible book....the bible.

End times? I so badly wanted to understand what it all meant...so I looked into it as a teenager and found out that there are at least 7 different views of “the end times” and....they all had....the infallible bible to support their contradictory beliefs of the “end times.”

Just like Marilyn Manson, I’d often have nightmares about all this armaggedon mark of the beast antichrist “left behind” bulls***.

They considered me their “chosen prophet.”(who was to become some international leader for their stupid dominionist charismatic Peter Wagner Bill Gothard pentecostal cult.)

All that insanity along with some other pentecostal/Bill Gothard doctrines at one point made me to want to die since......”there’s no point in living anyways since I’m going to be left behind or end up in hell no matter what I do”....there might have also been some....uh...self-mutilation in all that too.

“I bash myself to sleep, what you (and your pentecostal friends) sow I will reap.....
I scar myself you see...I wish I wasn’t me
I hate therefore I am....god @#%$ your righteous hand
I throw a little fit, I slit my teenage wrist
record me with your fist
the most I can learn....is the records that you burn
you want me to save the world...I’m just a little boy
....get your gun”

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I never really hated the one true God but the God of the people I hated

http://p223.ezboard.com/fexpentecostalforumsfrm7.showMessage?topicID=2010.topic&index=2

nghtmrchld26
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Posts: 29
(5/30/07 10:37 pm)
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Crying all alone in pain in the nightmare of christianity...

welcome to our nightmare.......

Crying all alone in pain losing all reserve….I can’t wake up out of this nightmare........
Insane? Am I the only @#%$ with a brain?........

Maze...psychopathic daze...I create this waste
Back away from tangents, on the verge of drastic
ways...can’t escape this place...I deny your face
Sweat gets in my eyes, I think I’m slowly dying

Put me in a homemade cellar
Put me in a hole for shelter
Someone hear me please, all I see is hate
I can hardly breathe, and I can hardly take it!

HANDSONMYFACEOVERBEARINGICAN’TBREAKOUT!
Lost...ran at my own cost...hearing laughter, scoffed
Learning from the rush, detached from such and such
Bleak...all around me, weak...listening, incomplete
I am not a dog, but I’m the one your dogging……

I am crying here in a buried kennel
I have never felt so final
Someone find me please, losing all reserve
I am @#%$ gone, I think I’m @#%$ dying
HANDSONMYFACEOVERBEARINGICAN’TGETOUT!

You all stare, but you’ll never see
There is something inside me
You all stare, but you’ll never see
There is something in you I despise

Cut me! show me! beat me! molest me! abuse me! @#%$ me! hate me! break me! Rape me! kill me!
Here is my purity……
Enter this nightmare…..I am willing and able and never any danger to myself
Knowledge in my pain, knowledge in my pain, just....@#%$ acknowledge all my pain, acknowledge all my pain.....knowledge in my pain......
Or was my tolerance a phase?
Empathy! out of my way!
I can’t die.....I can’t die.....I can’t die.....trancing out into another dark reality as the pain fades away....my purity.....
You all stare, but you’ll never see
There is something inside me
You all stare, but you’ll never see
There is something in you I despise.....
have you ever seen God?......have you ever seen God?
have you ever......

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Mister Crowley.......