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| FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Contact: Media Relations Email: media@despair.com Web: www.despair.com
DALLAS, TX - January 2nd, 2001 - In a move that has millions across the Internet community frowning, Despair, Inc. today announced that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) had awarded them a registered trademark for the 'frowny' emoticon which serves as their logo. At a press conference, Despair's COO, Dr. E.L.Kersten, announced his intentions to sue "anyone and everyone who uses the so-called 'frowny' emoticon, or our trademarked logo, in their written email correspondence. Ever." Despair filed suit yesterday in a U.S. District Court in Dallas, alleging trademark infringement against over 7 million individual Internet users. The company has requested separate injunctions granted against each. It is believed to be the largest single trademark dispute in history. According to USPTO records, Despair originally filed for the mark in June of 1998, and was awarded a registered trademark for the 'frowny' emoticon logo on May 2nd of this year. Since that time the company has, through the use of the FBI's controversial new "Carnivore" Internet wiretapping system, surreptitiously monitored unencrypted Internet email and compiled a list of over 7,000,000 individuals who have used the ":-(" emoticon in email. Compliance with the injunction will require the defendants to provide to the court and Despair, Inc. a report, in writing under oath, setting forth in detail the manner and form in which the defendant has complied with the injunction to destroy any email in which they have used the offending mark. Despair has also petitioned the court to require defendants to submit a handwritten letter which repeats the phrase ":-( is a registered trademark of Despair, Inc." one-thousand times. A ruling on the petition is expected within a week. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY SPECIALISTS STUNNED The decision to award Despair, Inc. with a registered trademark for the :-( symbol left many in the field of intellectual property law stunned. Suzanna Larkow, I.P. specialist of Larkow, Madley & Associates, said of the issuance, "This is a defining moment in the history of intellectual property law. To extend official registration to an emoticon, one who's common usage predated the existence of the trademark holder by several years, defies common sense and establishes a dangerous precedent." Albert Firkus, co-editor of IP Monthly, offered a less dire assessment of the grant, "Whether the issuance is a dangerous one remains to be seen. What is certain, however, is that it appears that someone has finally bested patent 5443036 for most ridiculous intellectual property filing in history." Despair's controversial trademark action is only the latest in an ongoing series of high-profile intellectual property disputes. Amazon.com courted enormous controversy after being awarded patent protection for their "1-Click" ordering system, which allowed registered customers to place orders without having to rekey their credit card information. Critics protested that "1-Click" did not merit patent protection. Most argued that it fails to meet the necessary standard of being "unique, specific and non-obvious" because it relies so heavily on the commonly used (and unpatented) technology of "http cookies". Larkow saw striking parallels in the actions of Amazon and Despair. "They are legally equivalent, unique only insofar as one is a patent and the other, a trademark. HTTP cookies have been commonly used by programmers since Netscape introduced them years ago, yet Amazon has received a patent for one. Emoticons have been in circulation even longer, yet Despair has trademarked one. That Despair was inspired by Amazon's move seems obvious, given that they even included a reference to the date of Amazon's patent in their 2001 Calendar." "AN INNOVATIVE STAND"
"Once again, Jeff has proven to be a true innovator. He's really inspired a new movement in the dotcom universe- frivolous, destructive intellectual property lawsuits. I couldn't be happier to be a part of the revolution."
According to Kersten, Bezos burst into his "terrifying" trademark guffaw before letting fly a litany of obscenities and storming out of the restaurant. Kersten then intoned gravely, "Let our message to trademark violators be clear. Whether you are a 4th grade nothing using your momma's AOL account, or you are Time Magazine's "Man of the Year", we are going to hunt you down, and when we do, we're really going to give you something to :-(® about." KERSTEN CONSIDERS NAME CHANGE Kersten concluded the already baffling conference with yet another surprise announcement. He is seriously considering changing his name from Edward Lawrence Kersten to simply ":-(". "The idea of having a name which so succinctly symbolizes unhappiness has enormous appeal to me." Kersten said he had made no firm decisions yet but warned reporters not to plan to call him "the C.O.O. formerly known as Kersten" if he decided upon the change. As the conference abruptly ended, Carla Pitt, manager of Despair's Customer Disservice™ Department, was overheard to remark, "Would this finally mean we can finally call him "Colon" to his face?"
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