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Posted on 08/27/2007 5:15:05 AM PDT by John Galt 72
Loopy Save-the-Earth Ideas Need the Al Gore Imprimatur
By Matt Carrothers
August 27, 2007
So I’m perusing the Popular Science web site last week and just below a story titled “The 15 Best Bond Gadgets of All Time” (number one was the amphibious Lotus Esprit Roger Moore drove in “The Spy Who Loved Me”) was another headline sure to stir the fancy of every red-blooded American male, and even those males who bleed green: "Five Duct Tape Methods to Save the Earth."
Could it really be true? Could duct tape really return us to the glorious age prior to January 20, 2001, when the Earth was a verdant Valhalla, a Garden of Eden teeming with old growth forests and virgins by the seventy-fold, where East loved West, and we all rode our bikes to work through racially-mixed neighborhoods and stopped to play hopscotch on the sidewalks with planned children who carefully drew the lines with environmentally safe chalk? Don’t tease, Popular Science!
Growing up on the farm we used to call duct tape “hundred-mile-an-hour” tape, because you could fix anything with it and the tape would ostensibly hold up even if you were racing down the road at 100 miles per hour. Dad purchased the wonderful gray tape in shrink-wrapped sleeves of five rolls at a time.
The first Earth-saving duct tape method the magazine proposed is to “re-ice the Arctic.” This process involves towing 8,000 barges equipped with water pumps to Greenland, which would then spray water on existing ice to create “a salty ice cube the size of New Mexico.” Total cost: $50 billion. That’s American dollars, no doubt.
Next, the magazine says we can “tame storms with cold water.” Hey, it works for lonely soldiers. For a mere $5 billion, hurricane damage can be mitigated by anchoring 1.6 million cooling water pumps to the Gulf of Mexico seafloor. The pumps would cool the air when their sensors detect hurricane activity. Or, we could just arrest the Louisiana politicians who embezzled monies earmarked for levee repairs.
Third, the magazine suggests that we “insulate the glaciers.” This project would entail wrapping glaciers with “football-field-size synthetic blankets that keep the cold in and the heat out.” We can wrap the precious glaciers in snuggly blankets for a mere $12 million per square mile. That amount would be considerably less than the $15 billion we’ve spent on Boston’s 7.5 miles of Big Dig tunnels, but the $12 million tab does not yet include union labor costs.
Another solution is to grow “super-trees” in factories to replace the 100,000 acres of rainforest that are chopped down every day. This boondoggle would cost around $120,000 per square mile. The company leading research into the super-trees is even developing robots that will efficiently transplant the trees. Hopefully next they can make the super-trees throw apples at the Dorothys and Tin Men who try to cut them down.
Finally, Popular Science proposes to “build wetlands from scratch.” Recycled plastic and foam wetland islands cost only $800 million per square mile, and will of course protect “the most active and diverse ecosystems on the planet.” And here I thought the University of California system held that lofty designation.
These are the kind of nonsensical ideas dreamt up by “green” science writers and ex-vice presidents from good schools with way too much time on their hands and the entire Cheech and Chong movie library on DVD. If you are reading this, Mr. Gore, please, please, please run for president and promise that you will wrap big blankets around the glaciers. Forget Mount Rushmore. If you pull this off we’ll carve your visage into thousands of floating foam wetlands. It’s not too late!
Well, the title of the Popular Science story – “Five Duct Tape Methods to Save the Earth” – turned out to be a misnomer because the costs of the alleged duct tape methods run into the billions of dollars, while duct tape itself is a fairly inexpensive product used to make quick repairs that “should hold it until we get that part” for the tractor or lawnmower or whatever. Plus, the magazine’s five detailed methods for saving the Earth are completely impractical, much less practical than, say, organizing a series of rock-and-roll concerts across the globe on the same day featuring hundreds of today’s most popular artists and groups that really, really care.
Duct tape also provides hours of laughs when placed on the paws of indoor cats, my devious cousin once informed me, but that is a subject for another time.
© 2007 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.
1. Duct tape Algore's mouth shut.
1. Duct tape Algore's mouth shut.
Click on POGW graphic for full GW rundown
New!!: Dr. John Ray's
GREENIE WATCH
Ping me if you find one I've missed.
Growing up on the farm we used to call duct tape “hundred-mile-an-hour” tape, because you could fix anything with it and the tape would ostensibly hold up even if you were racing down the road at 100 miles per hour.
100mph?! It’s got to be good for at least 500mph, Northwest Airlines uses it to seal the windshields on their aircraft.
Lawrence Solomon's "The Deniers" (a series of articles on the view of scientists who have been labelled "Global Warming Deniers"):
Other References:
Antarctic Temperature Trend 1982-2004:
This map (left) shows key areas of Antarctica, including the vast East Antarctic ice sheet. The image on the right shows which areas of the continent's ice are thickening (coloured yellow and red) and thinning (coloured blue). © (Left)British Antarctic Survey, (Right)Science
Thanks for those references BTW. It’s been a big help in trying to explain this to liberal friends.
Right after I point to their hypocrisy by driving a Lexus SUV while claiming to care about the environment.
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