Don’t ask, don’t tell doesn’t come in to play. He was a veteran period, unless he had less than an honorable discharge.
My guess is that the family was embarrassed, and had too much pride to accept the church’s kindness.
Sorry, but I don't see it as kindness at all. Kindness in the original offer, but no kindness in withdrawing it. And after telling his family that they were no longer welcome in the church, their acts afterwards were downright insulting.