Today's Toons 7/30/07

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Democratic Party presidential candidates debate tonight in Charleston. Internet users were invited to submit questions to the candidates over the Web. It could the first political debate in history to directly address the concerns of sexual predators.

Democratic Senator Jay Rockefeller proposed a bill Friday to reduce violence on TV. Democrats tend to object more to violence on television while Republicans object more to sex. This could explain why there are more Democrats than Republicans.

Hillary Clinton was in Miami Sunday to speak to the conference of the National Council of La Raza. During her speech, Hillary highlighted her close personal and professional relationships with prominent Hispanic leaders. She even married Don Juan.

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt was reported Sunday to have thirty more GOP names connected to the D.C. madam. This could backfire. If enough Republicans are exposed as womanizers they'll get more votes in California than twelve Southern states combined.

Democratic presidential candidates in South Carolina took video questions from Internet users Monday. The questions were screened. Hillary Clinton was asked a thousand times if she would dress up like a Catholic schoolgirl during the next debate.

Senate Republicans began an effort Wednesday to revive the three-billion-dollar Mexican border security measure. The president is adamantly opposed to it. He's saving all the money to build a wall around the White House to keep the Democrats out.

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards went bicycle riding with Lance Armstrong at an Iowa event Wednesday. The personal injury attorney told reporters that he doesn't ride a bicycle very often. It's hard to catch an ambulance on a bicycle.

Syria and Jordan asked the U.S. for help dealing with two million Iraqi refugees who fled over their borders. We're glad to help. The U.S. advised them to pay for their education through age eighteen plus all medical expenses, but don't give them driver's licenses.

-- Argus Hamilton

John Edwards has a new TV commercial touting him as a tough guy. His wife says he has unbelievable toughness. And he is tough. Like in the ad, it says sometimes he shampoos his hair and then skips the conditioner completely and goes commando.

John Edwards is continuing his "Poverty Tour” around America. Today he visited with a group of people who get their hair cut at a place called "a barber shop.” He was horrified at their stories. Combs and blue liquid . . .

And Hillary Clinton is working hard to win the women’s vote; they say her campaign has six full-time staffers just for women’s "outreach.” And another six full-time staffers to keep women out of Bill’s reach.

It got a little testy at the debates the other night when Barack Obama said he would be willing to meet with leaders of countries hostile to the United States. Then Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being "naïve.” That’s what she said, "naïve.” Is this the same woman who thought Bill Clinton would "forsake all others ’til death do you part?”

- - Leno

Al Gore’s daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore’s no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting.

"Hairspray" opened today. In the movie, John Travolta plays a fat housewife named Edna Turnblad. They say John Travolta is so convincing as a fat woman, earlier today, he got a call from President Clinton.

Have you seen Hillary Clinton lately? The woman has been getting sexier and sexier. She’s so sexy now, the other day by accident, Bill hit on her. Yesterday she was seen shopping in Victoria’s Pantsuit.

- - Letterman

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to ask them what happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector, "The first body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, age 66, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then," inquires the Inspector.

"She thought she was having her picture taken!"

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The speech George W. Bush ought to make:

Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer. I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit.

Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: there's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people.

I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners.

And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.

Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing. If I was trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell.

And don't give me this 'Bush Lied People Died' crap either. If I was the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the world, including prominent Democrats, thought Saddam had the goods, same as me.

Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you. And the bastards are all over the globe.

You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that.

When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor'.

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.

Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dammit, you might just as well Fedex a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.

I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.

Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there're just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean.

The rest of you, * off.

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Great Orators of the Democratic Party

"One man with courage makes a majority."--attributed to Andrew Jackson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."--Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The buck stops here."--Harry S. Truman

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country."--John F. Kennedy

"The biggest problem is my butt hurts. Is that normal?"--John Edwards

SUPERSIZED

(Thank you, Dan Lacey [faithmouse.com])

(Thank you, usmcobra)

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