Posted on 07/22/2007 1:18:57 PM PDT by firehat
MUDDLING ALONG IN THE UNIVERSE
A RANDOM REPORT ©
by Norman Liebmann
Perhaps Fred Thompson will explain why actors who are basically exhibitionists turn coy when asked to run for President.
Minnesota sent America a Muslim Congressman named Keith. Presumably his dog’s name is Jamal and it slathers with rabid ambition to blow up the Westminster Kennel Club.
General Petraes should not have any difficulty finding the enemy. They are deployed at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue.
CBS network execs have concluded there are two excellent reasons for replacing Katie Couric with Bob Barker. He’s available and, unlike Couric, people like him.
Oprah Winfrey announced she is going to raise money for Barack Obama. Does anyone remember when it was a common complaint among black people, “Those Jews really stick together”?
Bill Clinton didn’t have an administration. He had a shit list.
The Tour de France explains France’s collapse during World War II. The Germans had tanks. The French had bicycles.
Mexican is not a nationality - it’s a deficiency.
Possibly what’s wrong with American politics is the left is on the left and the right is in the middle. Make that the middle of the middle.
It’s time to carpet bomb Islam to smithereens and stomp on whatever parts are still wriggling.
Hillary has been invited to address a gathering of a gay and lesbian group. After it’s over she and Bill will probably go out looking for broads.
Al Gore never lets reality get in the way of absurdity. Listening to him explain global warming is like watching a twelve point elk struggling into a turtle neck sweater.
Ireland has changed – and not for the better. The Gaels’ decline was coincidental with Bill Clinton’s visit. The leprechauns pissed in the wishing wells and went to Scotland.
The Democrats principal objection to George W. Bush is not that he is cowardly but that he is not as cowardly as they would like him to be. Bush will be the first American to be awarded The Congressional Medal of Blame.
That bickering continues between Harry Reid and “Grossie” Pelosi concerning which one will officially call for an American surrender in Iraq. The winner will be awarded The Congressional Medal of Cowardice in the Face of Cowardice. (The only thing Harry and “Grossie” agree on is what should be done about the War on Terror - as long as it’s not in the foreseeable forever.)
Bill and Hillary Clinton’s believe in equality. They don’t care who you are. They will treat you like a bus boy.
Barbra Streisand is beginning to look all day the way she looks in the morning.
No matter how many times you see the video clip of Rosie O’Donnell hanging upside down, you can only conclude she looks better that way.
Apparently Ted Kennedy is against the water boarding at Camp Gitmo - but not at Chappaquiddick.
Civil rights groups are considering a dedicated Internet communication system between the inner cities. Presumably it will be called “n-mail”.
The OPEC folks are getting jittery now that geologists have determined that Saudi Arabia is down a quart.
There is a new media website called Rumplestilskin dot com. Mainstream journalists demonstrate how they spin straw into half-truths.
Ever since he hit 60, pals try to keep Bill Clinton’s spirits up by reminding him that you’re never too old to watch.
Apparently the people in San Francisco don’t care what your sex preference is - as long as it goes on all the time.
Minorities can have it both ways - to sin like adults and be cared for as wards of the state.
One solution to the chaos in the Middle East is to call the Auto Club and have them tow Iraq away.
Vermont is considering building a new all male prison. It’s rumored among gays that they will need political “pull” to get in.
Overcrowding has made Miami into a kind of Bangladesh with cabanas.
It’s supposed that people who live in penthouses feel more secure knowing they have a solid roof under their feet.
Mexico is not a nation, it’s a chop shop. Tourists no longer can afford to vacation down there. They are using the money to ransom the missing parts of their cars.
The Muslins have come to the conclusion that Armageddon is better than what they have now. They’re absolutely right.
There is a new support group called Unemployment Anonymous. If a member gets the urge to look for a job, they send over a wino and the two of them get drunk until the urge goes away.
It is rumored the descendants of the plantation owner who bought one of Maxine Waters' ancestors called the bank to see whether it was too late to put in a stop payment.
Educational standards in urban areas are improving. Eight out of ten children in inner city schools answered correctly the test question, “How many fingers are there in a high five?”
Psychologists have determined a hopeful aspect for people with sex problems - that there is nothing you can get so far behind on that you can get caught up on so fast.
It is time the Western World organized a Bataan-type death march of Muslims back to Islam.
Despite all the “miracle cures” we read about constantly in NewsMax - people continue to die.
Fashion conscious mohels have begun discussing “the new length”.
It seems Pope Benedict has some changes in mind for the Catholic Church. The Pontiff is considering designating his Papal reign as Anno Domini Part 2.
Why is it when women put on those plastic shower caps they all look like Dianne Feinstein. Feinstein proved there’s a condition of dowdiness that goes beyond “frump”.
Wouldn’t it be glorious if God woke up one morning, thought about Bill Clinton and decided, “Either he goes or I go”?
If Washington had a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell army, George Washington’s soldiers would have called their winter retreat Valley Fudge.
Wouldn’t it be cute if Snoop Dogg had a new puppy named “Dime Bag”?
If the Clintons are returned to the White House, we hope Hannibal Lecter will be waiting there to make them an entrée of his welcome wagon.
Jim-mah Cah-tah defines human compassion by hammering nails. Jesus would have dissented.
John Kerry checked, and the batteries in his medals have all gone dead.
Shimon Peres is being congratulated for his sixty years of public disservice to Israel. Peres has been Israel’s Suicide Bomber-in-Residence, always available when a Hamas fanatic forgot to lock and load. In every crisis he has never failed to snatch surrender from the jaws of capitulation.
Optometrists have revealed that many of the same letters of the alphabet on their eye charts are also used in profanity. The optometrists will not delete any of the letters in that their attorneys assure them that eye charts are protected by the First Amendment.
The only reason that John McCain was elected to the Senate from the State of Arizona, where cactus growers turn out heavily for elections, is because they tend to vote for the most prickly candidate.
No one knows how they arrived at it, but the Democrats in Congress have decided that in Iraq losing is a winning strategy.
Barack Obama’s campaign is loaded with money. Can we arrange to have a pit boss come from Las Vegas and take a close look at the dice he’s been rolling?
The CIA Motto: No keyhole too small - no transom too high – no Valerie too Plame.
The silver lining in the War on Terror is that every exploded car bomb reduces traffic.
The true test to global warming is whether or not toilet seats feel cold to Eskimos.
The tobacco companies are experimenting with Viagra cigarettes. It makes it harder for the cigarette to stay lit, but easier for the smoker to stay hard.
Self-proclaimed Latino aficionado, George W. Bush, commenting on the rabble of undocumented aliens in our streets demonstrates that he can’t tell the difference between a mariachi and a mutiny.
Bill Clinton is an embarrassment to Humanity and an affront to History. His legacy is a grotesque caricature which the media strains to fashion into a legacy - a project that is running behind schedule. Ultimately, Bill Clinton won’t have a legacy, just a rap sheet.
The Democrats perceive their hatred as strength. Someone would instruct them to consider George Bernard Shaw’s poignant axiom, “Hatred is the coward's revenge for having been intimidated”.
If elected President, John Edwards promises to give every destitute person a rinse and a comb out paid for by Medicare. Of course, the poor will still be hungry - but kempt. Edwards needs to take on puberty before he takes on poverty. Edwards’ current Poverty Tour is a waste of time. Bill Clinton long ago convinced the minorities that poverty is perfection and can only be maintained with the help of the government. [Note: Elizabeth Edwards says Hillary Clinton is “behaving like a man”. That’s more than she can say for her husband. Ms. Edwards' marriage and her illness have placed her between a fop and a hard place.]
If George W. Bush f-cks up everything he attempts, why do the Democrats think we need them to call our attention to it?
CBS bought Katie Couric at her own estimation of herself. For another few million they could have had Madonna, who has at least as shitty a temperament as Dan Rather.
Trent Lott has spent his entire career in an ethical coma. No more need be said of that.
The “smart money” in Las Vegas may approach NASA about creating a space satellite that will fly over the world’s casinos and cut the cards from orbit. They will propose to call it Croupier One.
For Ted Kennedy now matter how much he drinks it doesn’t seem to relieve that empty feeling in his glass.
The Muslim mullahs sanctify marriage between suicide martyrs. The honeymoon both begins with a bang and ends with a bigger bang.
Since Bill Clinton has anointed himself the first black President, the only thing left for Barack Obama is to be the first white Bill Clinton.
George Bush recently had a colonoscopy. Unhappily, the doctor was unable to detach a pardon for the Border Patrol Officers lodged sideways in his digestive off-ramp.
Some black celebrities seem to hate all white people - except the ones they marry. Othello got along with Desdemona until he strangled her, proving even William Shakespeare couldn’t author a mixed marriage that worked out.
The latest manifestation of political correctness has determined that there is no such thing as homosexuality, but is merely a sociable technique for restoring the circulation in the prostate. What are friends for?
What the world needs most is an epidemic of impotence in Islam.
The Democrats have gone on a surrender bender – or should we call it a cringe binge? Where is Betty Ford when we need her? Going to your knees is easy. Finding your way back is the problem.
More John Edwards: John plans to take the White House to the next step. Bill Clinton got blow jobs in the Oval Office. Edwards will get “blowdry” jobs. To paraphrase the poet, the more things change, the more they remain obscene.
Colin Powell wants a tête-à-tête with Hamas. Powell never bottoms out.
All designations having offended people of one vociferous minority to one degree or another, (Negro, black, people of hue, the N word, etc.) are deemed politically incorrect. Some delineation is required that expresses both the prosaic and the rancorous impulses of a new label. The choice reduces itself to the banal African-American, and the hostile African-American African. Let the NAACP deal with it.
The bottom line is there are too many Democrats and not enough rope.
and this …
Al Gore is telling us the world is coming to an end. If the past is prologue, Hillary Clinton will get the last word.
***
Heh heh!
Some very witty observations!
General Petraes should not have any difficulty finding the enemy. They are deployed at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue.
AMENAMENAMEN!
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