Some funnies to give you a laugh today
A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees. Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.
Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro.
“What club should I use on this shot?” he asked the pro.
“I don’t know,” the pro replied. “What game are you playing?”
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All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
Yes, they’re ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!
1. How do the elk know they’re supposed to cross at the “Elk Crossing” signs?
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3. Tourist: “How do you pronounce ‘Elk’?”
Park Information Staff: “ ‘Elk’ “
Tourist: “Oh.”
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What’s the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don’t they?
21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it’s eight kilometers away... is that in miles?
23. We’re on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25. Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?
26. Where do you put the animals at night?
27. Tourist: “How do you get your lakes so blue?”
Park staff: “We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom.”
Tourist: “Oh!”
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A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push??”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife. “He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: “Hey, do you still want a push??” He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
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A police recruit was asked during an exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He said, “Call for backup.”
*SNORT*
One of the strangest was when a group I was chaperoning was walking up one of the hills in Arlington National Cemetery.
All at once one of the girls stopped dead in her tracks and exclaimed,So that is where he is buried. I always wondered about that."
I looked up wondering what American hero she was talking about. On the headstone was one word. MOSES.