[Capt. Tom]

My 34 year old husband said your description of how gout feels was an understatement

As a long time gout sufferer how about this one:
Stand next to a wood fire. Have someone smash you on the foot with a sledge hammer. When the pain reaches maximum a few seconds later, shove your foot into the fire. - Tom

[Eaker]

Stand in the middle of a room and have your worse enemy drive a rusty railroad spike through your foot into the broken glass covered floor and then run in circles.

This activity will take your mind off of the gout for a few minutes.