With all due respect, my parents used language ‘on’ me like that and then had the audacity to insist they ‘loved’ me, particularly when someone outside the family just happened to be around. Guess what? I grew up hating their guts for the way they made me think about myself because of their words. I buried them happily and wished they had passed on sooner.
You see, when, as a parent you have the philosophy you have described you forget about one thing: your kid(s) go ahead and make a life for themselves and over time you are not part of that life, to your very great loss.
Take it from me, I don’t care how upset you are, if you don’t have the mental capacity to think about the impact of your words on your kid, they are better off with you out of their lives.
I’m sorry that you hated your parents. My dad used rough language on me and we’re very close. As I’ve said, I came from a place where it was fairly common for the paterfamilias to physically beat everybody else in the family. If my sons have a problem with me saying something to them, I hope that they’ll tell me. My oldest boy is on his own now in the US Coast Guard, and we’re very close. I hope that he won’t be glad to bury me because I called him a bad name when he was eleven years old. Maybe he’ll think about all the good stuff I did for him and how I had his back whenever he needed it as a teenager, that I backed down some cops who were getting ready to play rough with him for going five mile over the speed limit in our little burg (thank god for cellphones on that one) and I was the one person he could absolutely trust and rely on. I’m sorry, pal, but when I cussed my boys out, they had it coming, and once they got their butts chewed out, it was back to normal. What did you Dad do for you? If he was a good guy and you could count on him when everybody else let you down, then you have a big problem by enjoying his death because he chewed your ass out. Otherwise, I would say that things at your place where probably more along the lines of neglect, criticsm and maybe physical abuse to go along with the verbal.
I so agree with you. The trouble with childhood abuse, even for people who survive it, it the need to reinvent yourself. It sounds like you were able to make a sensible cut-your-losses decision, but for many people the void is unbearable; or for others, the behaviors and hurt are buried and denied, and then because they are not faced up to, they are often passed on to the next generation.
A great friend of mine heard my end of the umpteenth guilt-mongering phone call from my mother and finally said three words that changed my life: "S**t rolls downhill."
Take it from me, I don’t care how upset you are, if you don’t have the mental capacity to think about the impact of your words on your kid, they are better off with you out of their lives.-———————Bullsh*t—————————I am very blunt, profane and downright verbally confrontational with my teenage son and daughter and they are great kids who love me dearly. I set the boundries for what is acceptable behavior, not them. If I say I will call at 10 and you don’t answer..........you are in big trouble. I’ll leave you an Alec Baldwin msg and you will make sure you answer next time. Words are words....if my kids aren’t tough enough to handle Daddy loosing his temper just think how they will react to trials and tribulations later in life. I don’t shield my kids from bad santa..they know folks like me exist and they know how to deal with them.......they certainly won’t complain to their local hardworking shrink that daddy is a meanie or use it as an excuse as to why they got a “C” in Spanish class........that doesn’t float around these parts. Don’t blame me for how someone else MADE you feel. No one makes you feel anything...you let them make you feel........your weak character.........not my problem........grow up.