“I probably have anger-related issues that require years of expensive ‘therapy’ that will help me pinpoint my violent nature with the rough manner in which I was potty-trained.”
With all due respect, individuals who focus on whether or not their harsh words are OK are avoiding the question of why it is so important to them to use harsh words, and why it makes them feel better to use harsh words to begin with.
Usually it’s a matter of having learned that behavior, but equally often it’s pretty much the same sense of strength that children (and many adults) experience when they ‘bully’ a less strong individual.
It simply feels really good to ‘let go’ and it serves as a ‘fix’ at the time and is actually rather soothing to the individual who is giving forth with the harsh words. In most cases, there is a sense of ‘calm’ and ‘relief’ that comes over the person after they have ‘let loose’.
During that period of ‘letting go’ they have no sense at all of the effect on the other person, and don’t care. The only thing that matters is that they feel better in the moment - it’s a quick solution to any problem and gives them control over the situation, for the moment.
This behavior pattern has long range effects, on the child and on the parent-child relationship. Most often the parent doesn’t recognize the effect on the relationship because, by adulthood, the child has created at least part of their life that is inaccessible to the parent. (Ireland ‘forgetting’ to have her phone on is an excellent example of a child beginning to distance herself).
Put another way, typically the relationship between this type of parent and the child is very superficial over the long range of time.
The child is warry about what they tell the parent and although the parent thinks they ‘know’ their child, they never really have anything but a surface relationship.
The irony is that the parent doesn’t even know how little they ‘know’ their kid because they never get beyond the ‘effect that kid has on ME’ which Alec Baldwin is a classic example of.
The knowledge that they are building a life that is ‘secret’ from the parent gives most children from this background a sense of strength. They enjoy the fact that, although the parent thinks they rule the child, the child has a ‘secret garden’ into which they never allow the parent.
Hence, there are many, many examples of kids whose parents grow old and never even know about what their kids have accomplished, or the struggles they may have had, because the parents errected a ‘don’t bother me or I’ll explode’ barrier.
This is also frequently the case with ‘kids’ who suddenly do something really crazy and then the parent(s) say “He/she never gave us any trouble”.
Did you mean to post that to me or to hleewilder?
Wow, do you have it right. Superficial!