Send Me to GITMO!

The American Thinker ^ | April 01, 2007 | Janet Ellen Levy

[Northern Alliance]

Whenever I hear of rich people like Martha Stewart, Dennis Kozlowski or Leona Helmsley being convicted and sent to prison, I find myself wondering how these jet-setting sybarites withstand incarceration. In sympathetic identification, I project myself into their circumstances and embark on a mental sojourn of the accommodations and appointments found within the correctional facility.

My quest for the perfect incarceration location was satisfied recently on a visit to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, which truly rates an entry in the Michelin Guide to Correctional Facilities. I've informed my lawyer, family, close friends and associates that if I'm ever convicted, send me to GITMO!

"Why GITMO," you ask?

The location is ideal, the climate sublime, food selection vast, the accommodations well ventilated, recreational opportunities abound and cultural sensitivity is king. Besides, I'd fit right in with the GITMO inhabitants. I'm a middle class college graduate, educated at a Western university. I'm not an explosives expert, but I did set off some illegal fireworks on the 4th of July once. All right, so I'm not a terrorist trainer, recruiter, aspiring martyr or financier, but my stint raising three boys has to count for something!

Yes, GITMO is definitely the choice for me. But I know my rights and have a few simple requests.

[ishabibble]

Dear Miss Levy:

Oh, I don’t think so! As you may be aware, I have been promoting my Gitmo All Inclusive Resorts (G.A.I.R.) for some time now, and if anyone is going to bask in the warm tropical breezes of an American “torture prison” it most certainly shall be yours truly!

I have contacted my attorneys, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz and Mr. Big Jelly Cantalano, of the esteemed law firm, Stall, Linger, and Delay, who have assured me that my lawful business plan will not allow you to be imprisoned in my resort unless you buy the full Platinum Package. It’s a modest investment on a fabulous lifestyle!!

We here at G.A.I.R. started out with a modest goal that has become an icon of the American Dream. In the beginning, we simply wanted to punk an organization called C.A.I.R. (motto: We hate white Christians more than anyone else) but now our dream has been surpassed by the very real possibility that we might actually make a buck off this totally harebrained scheme. Who knew?! Where else in the world does a dreamer have a chance? Here in the United States of America, the land of opportunity (always was always will be) the dream of owning a mega-resort is not just “pie in the sky”, it is going to be a reality. Paging Mark Burnett...yes that’s right, TV shows and movies, jet-setters and dilettantes, ebony and ivory. Sing along, Miss Levy,...CHA-CHING!

I would ask that you contact our time share office prior to your anticipated incarceration, so that we may better meet your needs and help you reach your goals during your “unlawful imprisonment by the Imperialistic American running dogs, etc. etc.”. We offer a myriad of services, just like the ones offered to the terrorists. Five star cuisine, superior fitness training, intensive spiritual guidance, and world class recreational facilities are all services offered by G.A.I.R. at Gitmo, your dream “facility” far away from any third world hellhole. Well, except Cuba which is right across the street...But Hey!
Tell your friends!

Kind regards,

ishabibble
Chief Operations Officer
G.A.I.R. at Gitmo