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Pelosi Proclaims Self “America’s Prime Minister”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), self-proclaimed “most powerful woman in the world,” presented herself to Syrian President Bashar Assad as “America’s virtual Prime Minister” in a bid to “build the bridges called for in the Iraq Study Group report.” “I explained to President Assad that while President Bush is still nominally the American head-of-state he has been reduced to a largely ceremonial role now that my party controls both houses of congress,” Pelosi said. “President Assad agreed we need a new direction in American foreign policy. I felt there was some real bonding going on.”

Assad welcomed Pelosi’s visit and expressed hope that they could work together on “matters of mutual interest.” “I am confident that Speaker Pelosi and I share similar views on a wide range of issues,” Assad declared. “I think we both agree that Mr. Bush is a destabilizing influence in the Middle East and see the need to neutralize that influence.”

Pelosi’s donning of the hijab (a head scarf prescribed by the Quran for the protection of feminine modesty) garnered widespread praise in the region. “This prominent American female has shown a willingness to take a first step toward Islam,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “I said the Americans must change their behavior and mend their ways. I have told them what they have to do, and I am glad to see that the American Prime Minister is beginning to comply. We can only hope this is a harbinger of the greater transformation yet to come.”

In related news, Pelosi’s inquiry regarding Saudi Arabia’s lack of female politicians was laughed off by Saudi officials. “The women in our country are not whores,” Prince Farsic al-Saud, Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs snorted. “They are at home tending to their families.”