Replies

UN Issues Memo on Hostage Crisis in Iran

In response to Iran’s seizure of 15 British naval personnel in Iraqi waters, the U.N. Security Council issued a statement of “grave concern.” The UN rejected the United Kingdom’s request that the statement “deplore” Iran’s actions.

Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon, explained the UN’s criteria for official statements. “‘Deplore’ would be too strong at this point,” Ban said. “If someone had been injured, then we could justifiably ‘deplore’ the action. This would, of course, be escalated to ‘gravely deplore’ if someone had been killed.”

“Now,” Ban continued, “if Iran carries out its threat to put these people on trial we would have to consider a statement of ‘admonishment.’ If, as some in Iran have demanded, any of these captives were executed, we would then be authorized to escalate to ‘grave admonishment.’ As you can see, the language of diplomacy must be properly nuanced to fit the situation. It is not an easy skill to learn. Many of us have devoted a lifetime to perfecting it.”

In related news, Tehran’s Interim Friday Prayers Leader, Ahmad Khatami, mocked Britain as “a ‘has been’ nation that must accept its humiliation by the great and powerful Iran if it hopes to avoid total destruction. They will bow before Islam or they will die. That is their only choice.”