I man is playing his usual Saturday round of golf with his regular partner. They come to the crest of a hill and sees a funeral procession on the road below.
The man takes off his cap, places his hand over his heart and silently prays.
After it has passed, his partner comments, "That was very sweet".
He replies, "Thank you. We were married for 34 years".
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A women comes to her husband sitting on the couch, gives him a hug and asks, "If I were to die, would you remarry?"
He replies, "Well, I like having a regular family life and wouldn't want to be alone, so I would probably remarry".
She asks, "If I were to die, and you married again, would she go to live in our house?"
He replies, "Well I have spent years working on this house, and I am too old to start over at a new place, so I would probably want to stay here."
She asks again, "If I were to die and you married again, and she was living in this house, would you still sleep in our bed?"
He replies, "Well, a woman would generally want to redecorate after moving into a new place, but that would take time. So she probably would sleep in our bed for at least a while".
She asks again, "If I were to die and you married again, she would live in our house and sleeping in our bed, but would you let her use my golf clubs?"
He replies, "Oh, no. She's left handed."
Bwhahahahahahhaha
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
Chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put the chalk mark $49,999
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28,29,30,31,32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
A family had spent the day moving from their farmhouse into a brand new house in a development nearby.
Very early the next morning, their 3 year-old son ran in to the parent's bedroom to wake them up.
The mother dressed him and told him to play in the yard.
About 20 minutes later, he came running back.
"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick ..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."