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Candidate May Sue America

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards said he will be taking “legal action against all those implicated in the ‘faggot’ incident.” The incident occurred when columnist and author, Ann Coulter uttered the words John Edwards and faggot in the same sentence during a speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) convention.

“It’s not only Coulter who’s at fault here,” Edwards said. “A society that condones such slurs is equally guilty.”

Edwards said he will give America 30 days to take appropriate measures against Coulter or face being named in a “class action” suit. “If appropriate remedial action has not been taken within a reasonable timeframe, I will be filing a class action suit against America,” Edwards threatened.

Pressed to elaborate on what might constitute “appropriate remedial action,” Edwards suggested that Coulter be sent to rehab and the royalties of her best-selling books be signed over to him. “Purveyors of hate must not be allowed to profit from their misdeeds,” Edwards said. “Those profits are the rightful property of the victim. In this case that would be me.”

“In addition, every registered voter in America who has not publicly renounced Coulter within this 30 day period and donated $100 in ‘Coulter Cash’ to my presidential campaign will also be named in the suit,” Edwards added. “Vermin like Coulter couldn’t survive if like-minded scum didn’t buy her books and pay her to speak. I’m giving them the opportunity to cleanse themselves through public repentance and a minimal propitiating offering. I have been grievously injured, but I am also merciful.”

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) complained that Edwards’ conditions for avoiding being sued were unfair. “Renouncing Coulter is no problem,” Clinton said. “But forcing me to contribute to his campaign isn’t fair. He’s running against me. Why should I have to fund his campaign? I’ve done as much, or more, for gay rights as he has. I mean, I’m the one who’s promised to partner with the gay community once I’m elected president.”

Clinton suggested that a renunciation of Coulter and a donation to the campaign of any Democrat running for president would be more fitting. “Everyone of us who has fought for gay rights is victimized by Coulter’s hate speech,” Clinton claimed. “We all deserve compensation.”

In related news, San Francisco homosexuals are worried that the culture and history of their world-famous neighborhood could be lost if too many heterosexuals are allowed to move in. “A few heterosexuals are welcome as long as they understand their place," said Enos Holler, a leader in the homosexual community. “We just don’t want to be overrun by people with no appreciation for what we’ve built here.”

The city, meanwhile, has promised to do whatever it takes to keep the area's gay identity intact. “We’ll ‘red-line’ the neighborhood if we have to,” said Ira Blauer, administrative assistant to the mayor. “I’ll block doorways with my own body if that’s what it takes to keep undesirables from bringing the neighborhood down.”

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