Today's Toons 3/12/07

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

The Baltimore Sun reported Friday that Barack Obama's ancestors on his mother's side owned slaves. He's black on his father's side. Upon hearing the news, Barack Obama immediately wrote himself a one-hundred-thousand-dollar check for reparations.

Bill Clinton changed his schedule Friday to go with Hillary to Selma to help her draw a crowd for a church appearance on Sunday. Then he will accompany her to the Bridge Crossing Jubilee. In exchange he gets the next six Saturdays unsupervised.

Arnold Schwarzenegger urged compassion for illegal aliens in a speech to the Governor's Conference in Washington D.C. Their plight is well known. Some of them suffer from poverty and some from claustrophobia, it depends on how they came over.

Hillary Clinton will go to Selma for a civil rights commemoration today. She must compete with Barack Obama. There won't be a dry eye in the house when she tells the crowd how she was discriminated against in Arkansas because she was a Goldwater Girl.

Barack Obama campaigned in Los Angeles last week. It's a balancing act. He is the son of a Kansas woman and an African father, campaigning in a state where an Austrian was just re-elected governor by Mexicans demanding the rights of Englishmen.

Hillary Clinton went to a civil rights ceremony in Selma Sunday and spoke to a local black Baptist Church congregation. She mentioned her husband at the top of her speech. Whenever you face a tough crowd you have to open with your best joke.

Bill Clinton was mobbed by an adoring crowd in Selma on Sunday when he arrived to march with Hillary at the ceremonial Bridge Crossing Jubilee. There was nothing separating him from the crowd. Ropes aren't allowed at civil rights rallies any more.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama gave alternate speeches at the bridge in Selma Sunday. Every twenty minutes Obama would electrify them and then Hillary would put them to sleep. After one session everyone in attendance quit cigarettes for good.

John Edwards spoke at a union rally Sunday at the University of California at Berkeley. He said he was helping janitors to unionize so they can make a living wage. All the second-hand pot smoke makes them so hungry they need five meals a day.

Hillary Clinton was ridiculed by pundits for putting on a Southern accent in Alabama Sunday. It was thick. She was a big hit at the breakfast in Montgomery when she grabbed a fistful of waffles and vowed that she will never be hungry again.

John Edwards vowed to raise taxes for universal health care Monday and tried to shame Republicans for passing tax breaks for the rich. He's a wealthy trial lawyer. Democrats think it's okay to be rich as long as you just feel awful about it.

Senator Hillary Clinton vowed Sunday she will introduce a bill in the Senate to ensure that every vote is counted and every voter given a receipt. This should be a lot of fun. The last time she introduced a bill her parents warned her not to marry him.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will host receptions at the American Israel Public Affairs Committee conference in Washington D.C. Monday. It could be a repeat of their showdown in Selma. Barack Obama just discovered that his parents met at a deli in Brooklyn and Hillary Clinton is working with Jackie Mason on her accent.

The New York Times reported Barack Obama made investments in companies owned by his campaign donors, then tried to help them with legislation. He says he didn't know he owned their stock. Scooter Libby watched his performance and gave it a seven.

- - Argus Hamilton

"Al Gore taking a little global heat today after it was revealed that his home in Tennessee uses 20 times the energy as the average household. That is an inconvenient truth. Actually, you know why is using so much energy. Have you seen Al lately? I think he’s been keeping that refrigerator door open a little too long. That’s what happens. Every time that light comes on..."

- -Jay Leno

A man in France was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian. He said he thought it was Osama bin Laden. Ok, it was a mistake, but it still ranks as France’s biggest military victory ever.

It is true that just in the last two weeks Hillary Clinton has had over 200 phone calls telling her in order to win the presidency she must stay on the road for the next two years. It is not true they were all from Bill.

- -Roger Ailes

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "He may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"

SUPERSIZED

(Thank you, Dan Lacey [faithmouse.com])

(Thank you, new cruelty)

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