Dude, like, send Borat packing
By Howie Carr
Boston Herald Columnist
Friday, February 2, 2007 - Updated: 01:57 AM EST
What exactly does a noncitizen have to do to get deported around here?
I guess Peter “Borat” Berdovsky, native of Belarus, won’t answer that because it’s not a hair question. And the Russky Rastaman is now officially a victim - a victim of Chernobyl, as his lawyer/foster father put it in court yesterday, before they went out outside to discuss his hair, which he doesn’t appear to have washed since leaving his native Third World hellhole.
The subcontractor on the moronic Turner Broadcasting terror stunt arrived here as an exchange student, then sought asylum as a political refugee - stop me if you’ve heard this one before.
Borat is a refugee all right - from a “Beavis and Butthead” episode. He’s the full slacker package: Mass. College of Art, a goatee, dreadlocks - a self-described performance artist with his own crappy avant-garde rock band.
Yesterday morning at Charlestown District Court, Borat Berdovsky’s fellow artists, the synonym for which is unemployed, protested the Russky’s overnight incarceration, holding signs that said “Never Forget.”
Dude, that’s easy for you to say. Never forget? You haven’t had any of this weed, man. It’s, like, totally . . . Uh, I lost my train of thought.
Borat’s fellow artists have been saying that the cops and the reporters are hopelessly lame because they don’t get off on a show in which one of the main characters is named Meatwad.
Dude, we’ve got, like, jobs.
“Anyone under the age of 35,” said one protestor, who was somehow able to get a day off from work on short notice, “knew this was a joke the minute they saw it.”
Yeah, anyone under 35 who still lives at home with Mom, wears a baseball cap backward and is saving money for his next tattoo.
Needless to say, the moonbats in Arlington, where Borat lives, are falling in line behind legal alien.
Here’s an e-mail making the rounds in Arlington, sent by a woman named Hillary with a hyphenated last name:
“As a former Brackett After school parent, where Peter worked (maybe still works as far as I know), I know Peter as a nice guy who was great with the kids. My son described him as gentle, peaceful, harmless. It’s a shame the way he’s being portrayed.”
Hillary, even your governor, Deval Patrick, is bent out of shape about this. No driver’s license for you, Borat!
Then there was Borat’s brief appearance in court. At one point,his lawyer tried to explain to the ancient judge, Paul Leary, what Borat did for a living. Lawyer: “He’s a freelance digital media artist.”
Judge: “Freelance digital meteorologist?”
And Mumbles Menino didn’t help his own cause, going on national TV to thunder about “suspicious bombs” and, then yesterday, “those two go-fers who was arrested last night.” Not were, was.
But what exactly is Borat’s defense? Every time you walk into an airport terminal, what’s the first thing you hear on the loudspeaker?
“Do NOT leave luggage unattended. If you see any unattended packages, please alert authorities IMMEDIATELY.”
And this gentle, peaceful, harmless Russky, along with his dumb-and-dumber American sidekick, leave packages not only unattended, but with wires trailing out of them and tape-wrapped packs of batteries, all of which the cops have been trained to look for.
What Mumbles calls a suspicious bomb, Borat refers to as a “work of art.” That must be because the cartoon character is making an obscene gesture. Nothing says Art-with-a-capital-A like an upraised middle finger.
Hey, Borat, you’re not a citizen? That’s too bad. How does a short stretch at Cedar Junction sound, followed by a steerage-class flight back to Belarus?
It’s from us to you, Borat. Don’t consider your deportation an obscene gesture. Think of it as a work of art, in progress.
One has got to be a real special kind of stupid to leave packages with blinking lights and exposed wires laying around a major American city these days.
Now ordinarily I'm pretty much against making stupidity a crime. After all the universe tends to be pretty hard on stupid people without any government assistance at all.
But in the case of these two mouthbreathing morons I'll make an exception.
The only thing I want to see is that the chain of stupidity is followed all the way up to some corner office at Turner Broadcasting until they locate whatever corporate genius signed off on this 'publicity stunt'.
L