ICE Agents Arrest Jolly Fat Man Attempting to Enter the U.S. Illegally(humor-maybe)

ICE Agents Arrest Jolly Fat Man in Red Suit Attempting to Enter the U.S. Illegally.

AXcess News) Reno, NV - Based on U.S. Department of Homeland Security rules, a bearded jolly fat man in a red suit going by the alias St. Nick was captured by ICE agents while attempting to enter the United States illegally after DHS profiling matched the description of Mr. Nicholas as a possible terrorist threat.

"Mr. Nicholas doesn't possess a recognized passport and therefore the Department views him a possible threat to the United States," a spokesperson for the DHS said.

Nicholas, who says he lives in the North Pole, was captured by ICE agents trying to enter the United States illegally. Accompanied by a splinter group known as Elves, the jolly fat man was being held in an unknown location. ICE agents were unable to capture any of the Elves who magically slipped out of restraints and disappeared, a witness said.

DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff was quoted as saying, "No one's above suspicion when it comes to protecting U.S. security, especially someone who matched our database profile."

Federal agents were allegedly tipped off to Nicholas and his ban of Elves attempting to enter the United States through eavesdropping on cellular phone conversations with U.S. supporters of the Elves splinter group, who DHS agents say have been under suspicion for some time.

The Canadian Prime Minister's office was outraged over the treatment of Mr. Nicholas saying the U.S. Department of State should remove him from their list. U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice sympathized with the Canadian diplomats view but said the DHS had every right to protect American citizens from harm, despite the Constitution.

Virginia Representative Virgil Goode told reporters that if Mr. Nicholas wasn't connected to Muslim terrorists, he should have tried to enter the United States through proper ports of call saying that "all Elves should be deported as well before they try to run for office."

President Bush looked puzzled when he learned of Mr. Nicholas' detention and was quoted as saying, "Gee, I hope this doesn't mean I won't get more troops for Christmas!" Mrs. Bush rolled her eyes upwards, shaking her head as she headed back into the White House.

Incoming Secretary of Defense, Dr. Robert Gates, said he was unaware of any affiliation to terrorists by Mr. Nicholas and said he needed to consult with members of the Pentagon before commenting.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi blamed Republicans, her side kick, Nevada Senator Harry Reid quipped in, "If the Bush administration would admit it was wrong in Iraq, maybe none of this would have happened."

Arizona Senator John McCain recalled his imprisonment saying, "I recall a Nicholas serving in Vietnam, he should be treated with the respect of any prisoner of war and given his rights under our Constitution."

Attorneys for Nicholas said they were barred from meeting with their client and were unsure of where he was being held. "Mr. Nicholas has right to council and should be charged or released immediately."

A spokesperson for the Elves called from the North Pole saying not to worry, "St. Nick will be free this weekend in time for his rounds."

TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS
By: Jeff Foxworthy

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"

The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.

I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.

Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.

So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.

And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

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