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"The notion that teenage sex is a "family" matter is ludicrous too. Teenagers do not tell their parents about sex. Quick, go quiz a teenager about masturbation. 100% of teenagers practice that particular "art", and 95% will deny it."

I'm curious what time and place you grew up in.. I don't think I or any of my friends would have lied about masturbation if asked. My parents weren't very curious about my sex life, as long as I was safe, but if they had been curious I think I would have told them whatever they wanted to know. I'd imagine how secretive a kid is depends on how they believe their parents would react to whatever 'dire' news they might have about their sexuality.

"I don't think I or any of my friends would have lied about masturbation if asked. My parents weren't very curious about my sex life"

I agree that if my parents had asked I would have told them the truth, but parents already know that. It's not like they have to ask, so they don't. Similarly, they know if you are having sex. All they have to do is observe how you act with your significant other to know. Body language reveals all. My parents advice consisted of "don't you dare get her pregnant". Advice I took pretty seriously.