"Dear Mr. Moore, your going to want my hunting rifle as well. Just thought you should know."
This is my favorite reply yet.
The second amendment doesn't specify what gun you can own, Michael, just that you can own one. Jerk.
What we really mean...
I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:
1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.
What we really mean: We will respect your beliefs once you start agreeing with our beliefs. Dissent will result in those being sent to re-education camps.
2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.
What we really mean: Heterosexual marriage is so passé. We will encourage you sexually uptight conservatives to give “free love” a try.
3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.
What we really mean: We’ll balance your checkbook by taking the balance down to zero by taxing everything you have now and in the future.
4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.
What we really mean: We only support the military when they are used to shore up communists/socialist regimes and only when they’re under the command of the United Nations.
5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.
What we really mean: It’s unfair that some people can see a doctor anytime they want, so we will make sure that everyone will have to wait months to see a physician. And we know that fetal stem cell research is a long shot at curing any diseases. But it gives us a great cover to kill unborn babies
6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.
What we really mean: We will shutdown oil refineries, petrochemical plants and place such high mileage restrictions on auto makers that everyone will be forced to ride bicycles or walk.
7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.
What we really mean: And once the mass murderer is convicted, we will seek treatment for the person so that they can be returned to society.
8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.
What we really mean: We support abortion up to the moment of birth, because until then, the “thing” in the womb is just an unviable tissue mass.
9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.
What we really mean: Hunting will be outlawed, so you won’t have any need for those hunting guns anyway. All guns will be confiscated because we, the Democrats, will protect you.
10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.
What we really mean: Unless you’re currently making more than the minimum wage, in which case, you will see a reduction in pay. After all, it’s not fair that some people are paid more than other people.
11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.
What we really mean: Christianity and Judaism will be outlawed since these are intolerant religions. We must respect Islam and other religious beliefs, even if it kills us.
12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.
What we really mean: But of course, Democrats are not corrupt and would never even think of doing something unethical or illegal. It’s only Republicans who are “bought and paid for” by the evil rich and big corporations. Republicans and conservatives will be declared outlaws and the party will be banned as a way to stamp out this corruption.