She probably didnt realize that those weren't "guys" she was talking to.
Posted on 09/06/2006 8:14:00 AM PDT by hoosierboy
SOUTH BEND -- The 3-year-old boy warms up a smile for his two foster moms -- the one who shields him from soda pop and the one who sneaks him little sips.
"We don't always cooperate in our parenting skills," says Elaine Stellini, 46, smirking as she sits with her partner, their adopted son and their two foster sons in the family's leafy, fenced-in backyard.
Teamwork for this couple goes beyond the normal tests of parenthood -- like the sticky drips of pop that are dropping onto one of the foster children, a 14-month-old boy.They smile at how the content lad has turned a now-empty pop can into a rattle with a pebble inside. They say the boy has the charm of his biological father, whom they've met.
Stellini's partner, 42-year-old Barb Kochab, speaks of this teamwork: "Our intent for these children is for them to grow up positive and know something good and positive about where they come from."
They've spoken with the biological mother of their two foster kids enough to eventually share some things about that woman: What kinds of music and arts and crafts she likes. How she likes to dress them and buy them lots of shoes.
That, they believe, demonstrates respect.
"If we can't respect the person who gave birth to these children, then how do you love these children?" Kochab says."If I didn't know where I was from, that would be a huge loss."
Stellini keeps a daily journal for the two of what's happening in the boys' lives: court visits by their mom, birthday parties, a new swing set in the yard. She keeps a scrapbook of photos now and with their biological family, along with short stories and locks of hair. They learned to do this in foster parent training.
By preserving memories of the whole family, Kochab says, "I think also we have to be an advocate for the parents. I don't think the parents have an advocate."
More on foster parenting
St. Joseph County Department of Child Services: (574) 236-5411.Oaklawn (for Elkhart County): (800) 282-0809, ext. 754.
KidsPeace: (574) 237-1046.
White's Family Services: (574) 291-9300.
The Villages: (574) 294-5756.
SAFY: (877) 422-7239 (toll free).Marshall County Department of Child Services: (574) 935-4059.
They asked the biological mother if it would bother her that two women look after her kids. "Not at all," Kochab recalls the mom saying. "I know you guys love my kids."
When they need male role models, Kochab says, "We know a lot of men."
A couple of their friends are men in Chicago who, if anything ever happened to this couple, would look after the children.
Technically, Kochab is "Mommy," and Stellini is "Mama.""Zachary flip-flops it," Kochab says of their adopted son. "As the kids grow, they'll learn how to identify us. Children give you signals of what they are comfortable with."
Kochab and Stellini each come from parents who are still married.
"I was an activist in my 20s," says Kochab, who grew up a military brat exposed to a lot of racial diversity while going to high school on a military base in Japan. "Now my activism is being a parent. I want the right to raise children nobody else wants to raise."
They became foster parents so they could adopt. Their 3-year-old son Zachary had been in foster care since he was 2 days old. They received him at 15 months old and adopted him at age 2.
Zachary looks to his former foster father as his dad. He considers the 17-month-old foster boy in the home as his little brother.The couple have petitioned to adopt the foster boy, but the case awaits other court hearings. His baby brother also stays here.
"We've beat our heads over this," Kochab says of the child's life. "What is the best for this situation? ... The hardest part is: (for) every person who loves him, there's a good person in a bad situation."
She probably didnt realize that those weren't "guys" she was talking to.
They're giving soda to a 14 month old? Geez, that alone makes them unfit.
How come biological Dad doesn't get custody?
Blech! At times I give consideration to being a foster parent ( MGD would probably freak, but I do think about it), and I was looking forward to reading the article. I guess I'm a bit slow this a.m., and didn't really "get" the headline, but I couldn't get past the first line.
My husband and I began the foster-adopt program in CA before we had children, but we quit immediately when we found out that they thought they should have a say in how our biological children would be raised, as well as the foster/adopted ones.
It is sad, but I won't voluntarily involve my family with social services.
Worse yet, I'm sure they think they are better off without people like us.
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