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How many years did it take you to get in your present state of misery Rob? The hard news is that it won't go away soon even if you don't drink, the alcoholic mind set is there for a while even after you quit.

I'm a very proud, spiritual Christian, but I'm even too ashamed to pray, at least at length, since both He and I know that I am the problem.

I struggled with that issue too, praying for release and knowing I wanted a drink and knowing that it was very likely that I would get one soon. I was the typical hypocrite and I knew it, more importantly, God knew it too.

I discussed this problem with a very old man in A.A.( 85 year sold and in A.A. for 40 years) He told me the simplist thing that turned out to be the most profound advice I've ever had, He told me to "act as if", act as if I meant that prayer for mercy and deliverence, he told me that God knows I'm a phony and I know I'm a phony but He listens anyway and to ask God to make me mean that prayer, and believe it or not, it worked.

This was after many years in my alcoholic haze and many years of "quitting" only to start again. I know what abject failure feels like, depression that reaches the depths of the soul and causes a sickness that feeds on itself. It's a killer of the soul and a killer of men and women.

There are well meaning folks who will tell you to just "buck up" and use your will power but the news is that you don't have any will power and it's good news too when you accept that fact. Turn it over to God whether you mean it right now or not, you will mean it soon enough and God does have the will power to handle it, I promise you. That's not the end of recovery, that's the begining. Continue to pray and turn your problems over to God, again whether you mean it or not, the Lord will hear your prayer and he knows your heart.

It was a little over 25 years ago when I made this amazing discovery and I am not problem free and I am still recovering, not from alcohol, I haven't had a drink of it in more than 25 years but I am recovering still from that alcoholic mind set. Negativism, anger and depression still rear their ugly heads in my life. Turn it over daily, hourly if neccessary. Humble yourself before God and ask others to pray for you too. May God bless you richly, he has me. You are in my prayers.