Replies

Found this at The State Newspaper from Columbia, SC and I think it applies here:

Did you know that approximately one in thirty Americans suffer from a debilitating condition know as Chronic Liberal Douche Bag Syndrome or CLDS? While relatively unknown before the 1960s, this disease appears to affecting more and more Americans with terrible consequences for both the individuals who have to deal with the symptoms, and the country as a whole as it experiences a decline in morality, patriotism, and a general unwillingness to pay the price of freedom that our troubled times require.

Here at Patriot Pharmaceuticals PLC, we are conducting a nation wide survey of those who think they may have CLDS in the hope that we may one day be able to find a cure. Our goal is to help the millions of Americans struggling to overcome the debilitating sense of confusion and rabid anti-Americanism that are the hallmarks of this terrible affliction.

If you suffer from any of the below symptoms, we urge you to see a doctor for an accurate diagnosis (please note, only a medical doctor is qualified to make a diagnosis, those with PhDs in Literary Criticism or Cultural Studies while technically doctors can cause further harm if consulted.) The most common symptoms seen in patients are:

Doubts about the superiority of Western culture, the believe that George Bush is responsible for global warming, Hurricane Katrina, the rise if Islamofacism, or anything else that seems unfair in the world, a longing for the good old days of Bill Clinton, a belief that 9/11 was an inside job, the urge to paint simplistic slogans on placards, the urge to stand in from of Federal buildings holding the aforementioned placards, and the overwhelming desire save Abu Jamal Mummia from lethal injection.

While the above list is not exhaustive, these symptoms are an indication that you may be suffering from the chemical imbalance that is believed to cause Chronic Liberal Douche Bag Syndrome. Please take five minutes to fill out the survey and together, we will find a cure.

Part 1 please answer all questions yes or no

As a young child:

a) If male, did your parents ever dress you in girls clothes because they wanted a daughter
b) Did your parents take you to anti-war, anti-fascism, or anti-anything rallies
c) Did your parents celebrate Earth Day instead of Christmas
d) Did your parents refuse to let you play with GI Joe dolls or toy guns because they are symbols of military industrial complex
e) Did your parents ever make you send your allowance to Sally Struthers to feed starving Africans?
f) Did your parents and/or their friends take illegal drugs in your presence
g) If you answered yes to the above, did they ever give you bong hits or acid tabs because they thought it was really cool to see a kid messed up
h) Assuming you know who your father is - did you ever walk in on him having intercourse with another man
I) If you answered yes to the above, did he make you watch so you would grow up knowing that it is okay for two men to express their affection for each other in that way

Part II please answer all questions yes or no

As a high school student:

a) Were you ever exempted from phys. Ed because your parent(s) believed that competitive sports discriminate against overweight and/or handicapped children
b) If you did attend Phys. Ed. Classes, were you always the last kid to be picked for a team
c) When your class played dodge ball, were you the kid the jocks most enjoyed smearing on the court
d) Were you frequently beaten up by the popular kids at school
e) If you answered yes to the above, did you fantasize about how you would show them once you had a PhD and they were flipping burgers for a living
f) Did you have problems getting anyone to date you even though you knew you were intellectually superior to the popular kids
g) Assuming you have stopped wetting the bed in which high school grade did you have your first dry night
h) Assuming you have lost your virginity did this happen before or after you graduated college

Thank you for taking the time to complete this survey. With your help, we are one step closer to finding a cure for Chronic Liberal Douche Bag Syndrome. It is our hope that one day, you and other sufferers of CLDS will be able to live happy, healthy, productive lives and just imagine with our scientific know-how, one day you too may be able to wave a flag on the Fourth of July, be proud that there are thousands of fellow Americans that are willing to risk their lives to fight for your freedom and yes - once we really understand this terrible disease you too will be able to go forth and vote Republican!