Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and you aren't wearing any pants

Austin American-Statesman ^ | Sunday, August 13, 2006 | John Kelso - Commentary

[WestTexasWend]

It's lookin' like the list of items you won't be able to take on commercial airliners is about to include a leak.

That's what I'm figuring, because from here on out, it's unlikely you'll be able to take any liquids on board. We can blame this latest inconvenience on a plot involving 24 suspects who were arrested in England, suspected of planning to blow up 10 U.S.-bound passenger jets with liquid explosives disguised as carry-on items.

Which leads me to the only surefire solution I can think of to keep terrorists from blowing up airplanes: Create a company called Buck Nekkid Airlines, your clothing unoptional travel choice.

Our motto: Take It Off, Or We Ain't Takin' Off.

Think about it. Where would a terrorist hide a bomb if he weren't wearing pants?

Don't answer that.

Hey, we're already accustomed to removing our shoes at the airport, right? How much more trouble would it be to just keep goin' and whip off our britches? It's a pretty obvious equation for success. If you don't have anything on, you can't have anything on yah.

See, the problem is that it's impossible for the security people at the airport to find everything. In 2003, when the Texas men's basketball team went to the Final Four, I inadvertently smuggled a box cutter onto an airplane bound for New Orleans.

I used to carry a stainless steel tool around in my wallet that you could use as a box cutter, a screwdriver or a beer opener. The thing was about the size of a playing card, and I kept it in my wallet in the oft chance that I would run into a longneck that needed drinking.

Which would happen on special occasions, like, say, daylight.

Even though this tool was shiny and metal, it rode through the X-ray machine in the plastic bucket undetected like it was a box of mints. Nobody in security noticed it. It wasn't until we got to about 34,000 feet that I remembered I had a box cutter in my pocket.

Of course, I kept my mouth shut. "Now's not the time to bring it up," I thought.

So if I can do it, anybody can. Which leads me to Buck Nekkid Airlines: We Turn the Sky Into a No Fly Zone in a New Way.

Here's how it would work. No luggage or carry-on bags would be allowed. Besides, look at the chick sitting in 4D. When you got to the security line at the airport, you'd have to take off your clothes at a disrobing station. You'd stick your clothes in a bag provided by the carrier, and your duds would be mailed back to your house at the airlines' expense.

Sure, riding around nekkid would be embarrassing. But just think how much safer it would be than flying with a bunch of stiffs who are lugging God knows what around. And if you dropped your drink in your lap, you wouldn't have to send your suit to the cleaners.

Also, this would be good for the economy. As soon as you got to where you were going, you'd have to hit a store to pick up a shirt, underwear and socks.

There is one problem. Since you don't have any pockets, where are you going to put your boarding pass?

Don't answer that, either.

[rock58seg]

Well the thought of having NEKKID women on board would solve the obvious problem caused by non profiling of terrorists. ie: Young middle eastern males between the ages of 17 and 35, Whose Religion of Death has tenets opposed to their seeing NEKKID women.

[rock58seg]

Imagine Being on a flight with Helen Thomas. LOL

[leda]

geez! i was still pushing the thoughts
posted earlier out of my head. now i
have yet additional nightmarish thoughts
to expel. ugh!

thanks! ;)

[Ditter]

Mr Ditter and I discussed the nekkid flying yesterday. We decided since we are old and fat that we would just give up flying. It seemed the only decent thing to do. As far as middle easterners were concerned we decided profiling was in order and they would be put nekkid into boxes and placed into the cargo hold. If they are going to act like animals they have to be treated as such.

[RipSawyer]

Well the thought of having NEKKID women on board would solve the obvious problem caused by non profiling of terrorists. ie: Young middle eastern males between the ages of 17 and 35, Whose Religion of Death has tenets opposed to their seeing NEKKID women.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Correct me if I am wrong but were there not reports that some of the 9-11 group had been out drinking and going to strip clubs?

[sgtyork]

You know, I enjoy the thought of naked people doing things as much as anybody, but as thought more about naked airline, I couldn't help thinking more about the really fat people with bad odor that I have always ended up sitting next to. You know the ones that are so fat that you can't put the armrest down. Now think about the limited changes of air that they have on a plane. It really makes me an advocate for NOT NAKED AIR!!1