Posted on 07/15/2006 10:13:10 PM PDT by SmithL
The debate you might see among the three Republican U.S. Senate candidates if Democrat Harold Ford Jr. were thrown in for added entertainment value:
The moderator would begin by explaining the rules, namely that the candidates will take turns posing questions, which may be directed at one of the other candidates, though each will have an opportunity to respond.
The moderator would intervene only when he deems - in his sole and exclusive judgment - that moderation is in order. The right to ask the opening question, reasonably, is determined by a random drawing that Ed Bryant won. After that, things go in alphabetical order.
BRYANT: Let me first say that I am the real conservative, charismatic rock star in this race while Bob "The Fraud" Corker has misrepresented himself as a right-wing ideologue and spent millions of dollars doing so on television ads. Everyone should go look at the Web site, bobthefraud.com, for a fuller explanation. And Van Hilleary, while pounding his fist on the table, has a name reminiscent of Hillary Clinton and lacks the depth of experience that I have in my
MODERATOR: I believe you are making a speech, sir. Please pose a question without further ado.
BRYANT: Uh, OK. Mr. Corker, you have flip-flopped on abortion, raised taxes as mayor of Chattanooga, ignored apparent corruption in city doings, voted for Democrats and held fund-raisers for them. How can you call yourself a conservative Republican?
CORKER: Thank you for the question, Ed, my Washington friend. I do, as you suggest, promote conservative principles for positive results, and that is difficult for career politicians and lobbyists such as yourself and Mr. Hilleary to understand.
The important thing is to make sure we have a real conservative Republican - like me - in the rich tradition of Lamar Alexander, Bill Frist, Howard Baker - to stand against the ultra-liberal Van Hillary Clinton or her good friend, Harold Ford Jr.
Oh, excuse me, like a lot of people, I get Mr. Hilleary and Mrs. Clinton confused sometimes.
And I heard someone call Ed, my Washington lobbyist friend, Braying Ant. But, of course, I would never resort to name-calling myself, since I am devoted, as explained on my TV commercials, to conservative principles, achieving
MODERATOR: I think that's enough for now, Mr. Corker. In our alphabetical order sequence, I believe Mr. Ford may now respond.
FORD: Well, if you've seen my TV commercials, you know that I am an extreme conservative Democrat, ready to stand up against illegal immigration, high gas prices and anything else that angers people in Tennessee. Remember that liberal Democrat Nancy Pelosi? I'm the guy who ran against her - she was too liberal for us "Blue Dog" super-conservative Democrats. And, if elected, I plan to have the 10 Commandments tattooed on my forehead.
Did I mention that I voted for the war in Iraq, as all good conservatives did, but now have some questions about the conduct of that war by our Republican-controlled government? You know, I have a lot of Republican friends, but these guys fighting to run against me are like the Three Stooges.
Corkscrew, Hilarious, Braying Ant. Or Moe, Curly and Larry. Hey, I'm the guy more like Howard Baker or Lamar Alexander than any of these Stooges arguing about who is the most extremist idiot. We need to be talking about issues, such as how I am for good education and personal responsibility while these guys are for corporate welfare, global warming, pollution and, based on some reports, animal abuse and bigamy. And, as the Braying Ant said, Mr. Corkscrew is especially deceitful because
MODERATOR: Mr. Ford, I must interrupt. You've taken too much time. Mr. Hilleary?
HILLEARY: Thank you. What was the question? Oh, well, let me just say that, as the true and sincere conservative fighter in this race, I will, if elected as your United States senator, walk up to Hillary Clinton on my first day in office and slap her upside the head. And then I will kick Ted Kennedy in the groin. No other candidate in this race will say that.
We've had enough of these tax-raising, flip-flopping-on-abortion, corrupt, same-sex-marriage-acquiescent liberals like Harold Ford, Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy and Bob Corker. There's no difference between them except my pro-choice, raise-taxes-through-the-roof buddy Bob doesn't have a relative facing felony charges - yet.
And I've had enough of these mealy-mouthed, milquetoast, get-along and quiet sort-of-conservatives - though, except for those faults and general incompetence, Ed Bryant is a great guy.
Tennesseans need a fighter for conservative values, and that's me.
MODERATOR: Sorry, gentlemen, we must take a commercial break.
The first commercial begins: "Hi, I'm Bob Corker ."
To be continued. Maybe.
And so, after appropriate introductions and explanations, the debate begins.
As explained in my commercials, my mother loves me and taught me conservative principles, which I have used to achieve positive results. If I have made a mistake, I was wrong and have repented. There's not a dime's difference now on issues between myself and my Washington career politician lobbyist friends.
I'd vote for that
Bump the quote, just because I like your tag.
That would work for me also. Except maybe some water torture instead of kick to the groin for the Lifeguard.
Reads like a Wierd Al Yankoveich version of the Tennessee Senate race.
Hopefully, Ed Bryant will be the nominee.
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