Posted on 05/30/2006 1:11:02 PM PDT by billorites
THE white dad whose wife had Asian twins in an IVF blunder told yesterday how his son declared: I want to be pink like you, Daddy.
He said he replied: Well, I want to be brown like you thats why I sit out in the sun. He laughed at that. The dad and his white wife, who we will call Mr and Mrs A, were speaking for the first time since The Suns world exclusive 2002 story about the test tube bungle. We told then how the twins, now six, were born after an Asian mans sperm was wrongly used to impregnate eggs from Mrs A at a fertility clinic run by Leeds NHS Trust. Yesterday Mr and Mrs A, both 35, revealed their life is an extraordinary mixture of TORMENT over the mix-up coupled with JOY at having two beautiful children they love to bits. In an emotional interview the couple, who cannot be identified by law, also told how they were: THRUST into a nightmare that shattered their world and threatened their marriage. STILL surviving on anti-depressants to combat stress. FORCED to fight for nearly three years for DNA tests establishing the twins parentage; and OBLIGED to adopt the kids in an £80,000 process that was opposed by the Asian man, who has sought contact with the twins and wants to be recognised as their proper father.
The couple said they had made a pact to be truthful to the dark-skinned, dark-eyed twins a boy and a girl about the blunder. They have moved house so the children can attend a mixed-race school. They cope with tricky questions about different skin colours by simply saying the kids are adopted. And though they originally planned to have a large family, they vowed not to try for more children. Mr A, a businessman, said: We decided it wasnt fair on the twins. I told my wife I couldnt bear the thought that at some time in the future they might feel we loved their sisters or brothers more because those kids were ours and white. Our twins are enough. They are the most lovely kids ever. We adore them. The couple, who had been trying for children for six years, told how their lives changed forever the instant the error was discovered. Mrs A said: I was physically sick. The thought that Id had children with a stranger felt like a violation in itself. Our happiness at having our longed-for babies was shattered. My greatest sadness is that my husband is not the biological father of our children. All we wanted was a family. Instead we were landed with a nightmare that will last forever. At the moment our children are happy and well balanced. But we have been warned by experts that as they grow up their colour and parenthood will become an issue and they may react badly. We live with that worry every day. The couple finally decided to tell their story to reveal the extent of their ordeal in the hope it never happens to others.
Holding his wifes hand, Mr A said: What happened threatened our marriage and our whole existence. Many men in my position would have walked away and thats what my wife feared when we discovered the truth. She was scared I would reject the twins AND her. But that never entered my mind. My children know I am not their biological father and that there is a real daddy somewhere. But they also know I love them totally. And they love me. Grabbing her husbands hand, Mrs A told him: I just felt so upset for you. She also revealed that after the initial shock about Mr A not being the dad, she was terrified tests would show that her eggs had not been used for the IVF, that she was not the kids mum and they would be taken away. But in the end her fears proved unfounded. The couple struggled to remain composed as they told how the twins asked them for the first time: Why have we got brown skin? It happened two years ago and at first the kids questions were brushed off. But soon afterwards the parents decided to tell them the truth. They sat the twins down and told them: You know you were IVF babies. Well, when the doctor created you, he used a brown mans sperm instead of Daddys. But we are so glad he did because we have got you two and you are so special. Wringing her hands, Mrs A added: A few days later my son asked, Why did they use a brown mans sperm? I just didnt know what to say.
The parents realised they needed support and have since been helped by social workers and counsellors. But so far, the children are coping well. Mrs A smiled wryly as she said: My daughter came home from school the other day and said her friend had asked, Why are you brown and your mummy and daddy are white? I asked her what she had said and she replied firmly, I told her they had used a brown mans sperm. And that was that, they went off to play. At the moment they deal with it very well. They realise they are different but also know they are very loved by us. They are happy, balanced children and we hope they stay that way. The mum added: We have only had one racist moment. My son was playing with a white child at the doctors and his mum came and pointedly moved him away.
It broke my heart but I wasnt going to show my son I was upset. Obviously we worry about racism in the future. But we have moved house so the children can go to a mixed-race school. They have white and Asian friends. We still get looks when we are out as a family. But Ive learned to cope with it better. If anyone asks we just say the children are adopted. Then people shut up. But there have been lighter moments along the way. And the pair laughed as they remembered when they took the children to a private clinic for a DNA test. Mr A said: The man doing the test didnt know anything about our circumstances. All he saw was a married white couple sitting with two very obviously mixed-race children sitting on their laps. We were asking for a paternity test while being very affectionate to each other. The poor bloke was bewildered. I imagine he thought my wife had been unfaithful and I was Britains most forgiving man.
Tricky questions ... Mr A
with son on his shoulders
Coping well ... mixed-race children
Utterly devoted ... family moving on
despite years of torment
Before anguish ... pregnant mum
Special parents, special kids. They'll adapt and the extra hardships will bind them all even closer.
Which is not to say there won't be some rough spots down the road a bit.
that is a very sweet story.
I think the man who sued should be more careful about where he leaves his DNA. I thought someone donating would sign off on the results.
I don't think it was a donor -- almost certainly another man whose wife/partner was a patient at the same clinic, and the samples accidentally got switched. And if that man's wife/partner wasn't successful in her attempt to have a baby, that would be plenty of motive for the man to try to get at least some contact with these twins.
I agree that they most likely will do just fine, and particularly since they're twins, growing up together. They'll never feel like they're the only kid in the world in this situation, and they'll always have somebody they can talk to about it who really understands.
The moral of the story: If you're undergoing a medical procedure that really MUST be done right, DON'T go to the NHS for it. I find it absolutely amazing that with this major foul-up by the NHS, the couple was apparently left to their own devices to get the children DNA-tested to establish their real parentage. Or perhaps the NHS did offer to do the testing, but the couple had learned their lesson and resolved never to go anywhere an NHS facility again.
if you live with this worry everyday, then chances are it's going to happen... gosh, stop listening to the "experts" already... what do they know? parent your babies as if they were yours biologically... raise your kids as you've always dreamed... that's it...
"I told her they had used a brown mans sperm. "
I don't know how mixed race families teach their children to deal with questions but a six year old talking about a brown man's sperm vs. daddy's sperm freaks me out.
I remember an episode of Lassie where Timmy is at the table with Mother and Grandpa explaining what he learned about making tadpoles. He said the male spreads his milt over the eggs and Mother and Grandpa look at each other.
WWJD, eh? Guess I'm not that holy.
Maybe I'm just a hairsplitter, but if I had been struggling to have children of my own, genetically mine, and found that my wife had given birth to the children of a stranger who was not even of my racial group (guess that makes me a racist too), I would absolutely, positively, go berserk.
It is strange, and a bit disturbing. When I was six I doubt if I knew what sperm was. Also, kids that age don't notice race unless some racist adult makes a big deal about it in front of them.
Yes, of course. duh. I didn't think. Thanks
and six years later? would you still be in a state of berserkness? at this point, they are well into raising these children... (they could have put them up for adoption when it first happened... but they didn't... they chose to keep them... and that is fantastic!.. props to them)... but now to be "worrying" on a daily basis about how the children MIGHT react at some time in the future is USELESS! the only thing all this worrying can do is to actually "make it happen."
they've made major decisions based on rearing these two boys (not trying to have biological children)... obviously they love these boys... now enjoy them... enjoy parenthood... it goes by so quickly...
lmbo at that!
No, but I'd probably still be in a state prison :)
So what happened to the sperm from the man with the half Asian kids? Is some Pakistani family raising his child?
Since the story is not mentioning any children who are biologically his, whatever woman got his genetic material did not have a baby as a result.
Sh!t happens. Remember the story many years back, about Kimberly Mays, who was discovered at age 10 to have been switched at birth, and given to the wrong parents? The switch was discovered when the other child died of heart problems that had been evident at birth, and Kimberly's life was a general wreck after all the legal battles and emotional turmoil.
http://www.cnn.com/US/9906/25/mays.hearing/
The Kimberly Mays case was apparently not accidental, but rather arranged by a doctor who decided one set of parents was more deserving than the other, and should therefore get the healthy baby.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/067940015X/002-6776573-2736063?v=glance&n=283155
Actually there are quite a lot of "switched at birth" cases, some accidental and some deliberate, but most are discovered much sooner (or not at all). Imagine getting hit with this info right as you're (or your child is) hitting puberty.
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