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High Court May Replace Miranda with Kennedy Rights

By Scott Ott, Editor-in-Chief, ScrappleFace.com
News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You Decipher.

(2006-05-05) — The 1966 Supreme Court Miranda ruling could face its toughest challenge to date during the fall court session when Justices will consider revising the famous “you have the right to remain silent” litany with a new set of statements known as the “Kennedy Warnings.”

The case springs from an incident this week in which Capitol Hill police allegedly were prevented by their superiors from administering a field sobriety test to Rep. Patrick Kennedy, D-RI, son of Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-MA, when the younger Kennedy staggered from his car after narrowly avoiding collision with a police cruiser and crashing into a barricade.

Rep. Kennedy said he had not been drinking alcohol, but was impaired by prescription medications which made him think he had to rush to Congress for a 2:45 a.m. vote.

Police did not run a breathalyzer test, did not arrest the Congressman, and simply gave him a ride home.

An attorney for the American Drunkards Association (ADA) hailed the case as “great leap forward in providing real justice to a people who have faced years of discrimination at the hands of police just because of who they are.”

When the Supreme Court convenes in October, it will consider rewriting the Miranda Warnings to conform to the more progressive treatment Rep. Kennedy received.

The following is a draft excerpt of the new Kennedy Rights:

1. You have the right to remain silent and refuse to answer questions. Do you understand? If so, stagger randomly.
2. Anything you do say will be ignored and quickly forgotten, because you’re not yourself right now. Do you understand? If so, let your chin drop suddenly to your chest?
3. You have the right to consult a public relations firm before speaking to the police, and to have your PR spokesman present during questioning now or in the future. Do you understand? If so, say: ‘My umbersmand.’
4. If you cannot afford a public relations firm, one will be appointed for you before any questioning if you wish. Do you understand? If so, allow your eyeballs to roll back in their sockets.
5. Knowing and understanding your rights as I have explained them to you, are you willing to answer my questions without a public relations expert present? If you say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’, or make any sound at all, or say nothing, we will respect your right to remain silent and we’ll give you a ride home.

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