If Billie & Louie had "babies"
Humorous Sayings:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin."
--Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a
bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to
withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop
dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery.-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to
offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time
for my nap. -- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do
in it. -- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work
its way through Congress -- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation .. as you grow older, it will
avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty but every thing else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out