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Thank you my FRiend for your advice, and I do take advice in consideration.
I have explaned to my oldest that she is my first 10 year old and therefore I get to learn with her. I have explaned to her that my objective is to keep her safe physically, emotinally, and spiritually and that if I error I intend to error on the side of keeping her safe. She and I (so far) have a very good relationship where we discuss anything - and I do mean anything.
A trusting relationship is a package deal and goes far deeper than just doing what I say to the letter. I believe it is building a good biblical foundation, then helping her understand why certain decisions are made, so she can make good decisions herself.
In her short life there have been a few object lessons where she learned that the more I can trust her to stay inside the boundries that I set, the more she gets to do more things - and she is very trustworthy. Also, since she is my first 10 year old, I may miss a time when the boundry should be moved and she should be given more responsability. Back at home, the edges of the boundry are something that I am willing to discuss, and a couple of times she has made her case well and I moved the boundry. What is not negotiable is whether or not she has to abide by those boundries.
She seems to understand (again so far) that I want her do do any and everything she wants to do that will not harm her. She also understands (for now) that I see dangers that she may not see - and she depends on me to point those things out to her so she can see them.
The criteria for the music, movies, etc. is not that I like them. The criteria is that they be not harmful physically, emotionally, or spiritually. She regularly brings me CD's to listen to and points out songs that I may need to pay particular attention to. Sometimes they are ok, sometimes not. If there is a particular song that is unacceptable, I just cut her a CD without that song on it.
While I there is no doubt that I have the final say, I do not run our house in a "my way or the highway" fashon.
So far it has worked well. My oldest wants to do what is right and looks to us as parents to help her understand what is right. She generally makes very good decisions, and frequently discusses with me the options and variables she needs to consider when making decisions. I am not stupid enough to think that it won't change, and I ask daily in prayer for wisdom to understand how to handle those changes.
I thank you for you prespective and suggestions - I am always open to ways to be a better parent.
I found a book by John Rosemond named Teen-Proofing Fostering Responsible Decision Makin , would this be the book you reccomend?

Cordially,
GE

GE, thanks for your heartfelt eloquence. Yes, you have found the right book. And you will find that it reinforces much of what you wrote. It will also provide you with techniques for handling the inevitable teen problems. I am a realist and know that if a man has 3 or more children at least one will be very problematic during the teen years, even if raised in a devoutly Christian home. The book is readable, not academic, and except in perhaps one spot (the section on alchohol and drugs) you will like it very much and find it instructive.

My daughter is three years ahead of yours, very intelligent and strong willed. We too are close. One way we stay close is that I have encouraged her to tell me about the boys she has "crushes" on and I don't tell her she's too young. She can't confide in her younger brother (typical sibling rivalry) and she won't do it with a boy at our Christian school. I have never judged her very natural and age-appropriate attractions so she is totally open. We discuss what the right and wrong kinds of boys are (age-appropriate descriptions) and what she should not be doing until certain ages. I think, in many ways, that this is part of the strength of our communication and relationship.

I say this because I remember my own father and my sisters. He was a good man but outright refused their natural leanings as girls. Both rebelled. One went off the deep end (drugs and more) and openly defied him. The other was cooperative on the surface but had sexual relations as a mid-teen and even a secret abortion that to this day my 76-year old father doesn't know about. [She regrets her actions -- she is a believer but was infertile and I think she now knows that early abortions vastly increase the risk of infertility in older women -- she didn't marry until age 36.]

We all parent, in some ways, as a reaction to how we were parented. I am hoping, with God's help, to just do it right.

God bless --