Sharing 10 marriage commandments

Quote of the day: “All in the wild March-morning I heard the angels call; It was when the moon was setting, and the dark was over all; The trees began to whisper, and the wind began to roll, And in the wild March-morning I heard them call my soul.” — Lord Alfred Tennyson, English poet (1809-1892)

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS”?

The 10 Marriage Commandments

— Commandment 1: Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

— Commandment 2: If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

— Commandment 3: Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

— Commandment 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

— Commandment 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

— Commandment 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

— Commandment 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

— Commandment 8: Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats a husband like toxic waste.

— Commandment 9: A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

— Commandment 10: A long-married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, “It really works!”

The folks at Cochise County Workforce Development are going to host a Career Fair from 2 to 6 p.m. on April 4 at the Windemere Hotel and Conference Center. In the past, hundreds of job seekers have attended the event to check out what different businesses around the county have to offer.

If you are a business and would like to reserve a table at the fair, you can contact Mary Tieman at 458-9309.

Cost is just $250 and must be reserved by March 10.

Here’s an oldie, but a goodie.

Three pieces of string are walking down the street and pass a bar. They agree to have a beer and then call it quits for the evening. They notice a sign on the door stating “no pieces of string allowed.”

The first one decided to try his luck, he goes in and hops up to the barstool and orders a beer. The bartender isn’t happy, picks up the piece of string and throws him from the bar.

Dejectedly the piece of string says goodbye to his buddies and walks on home. The second piece tries his luck but has the same result.

The third piece of string thinks for a moment then throws himself down on the sidewalk and rolls back and forth getting dirty and rolled up. He hops inside and sits at the bar not saying a word. The barman comes down the bar and eyes our friend for a moment before asking, “Aren’t you a piece of string?”

To which he replied, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

The ramp-up to the city of Sierra Vista’s 50th anniversary celebration is beginning in earnest. Among the activities is a West End Block Party which is set for April 22.

The Downtown Neighborhood Commission, along with West End Merchants Association Inc., invite the public to attend. There will be food, fun, entertainment and vendors. A street dance is also planned to end the day. More information will be coming, so watch the newspaper for more announcements.

The husband had just finished reading the book, “Man of the House”.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

To which his wife calmly replied, “The funeral director.”

Department of useless, yet interesting, information … Despite Dan Brown’s best-selling who-done-it, “The Da Vinci Code”, it’s wrong to refer to Leonardo da Vinci simply as Da Vinci. If you’re going to shorten his name, you need to call him Leonardo. Why? Simple, Da Vinci just means “from the town of Vinci”.

PHIL VEGA is publisher of the Sierra Vista Herald/Bisbee Daily Review. He can be reached at 458-9440, Ext. 605, or by e-mail at philip.vega@svherald.com.

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