Posted on 02/21/2006 4:45:37 PM PST by SandRat
In Iraq, where nights are long for a happily married soldier, Command Sgt. Maj. Douglas Sandstrom yearned for the day he could put the war behind him and get home to his beloved wife and kids.
After a year away, he'd pictured a return to wedded bliss. Instead, he felt "alienated and unimportant." His wife of 20-plus years, always an independent woman, had become, by necessity, the matriarch-in-charge.
During his absence, she learned to run the household like clockwork without him. When their two sons, one a teen, the other a first-grader, needed guidance or advice, they'd automatically turn to their mother — not their dad.
"I felt like a guest in my own house," said Sandstrom, 44, who went to Iraq with the 101st Airborne Division out of Fort Campbell, in Kentucky. He returned from war in 2004, later transferring to Fort Huachuca, southeast of Tucson.
"It kind of hurt a little," he said of the family atmosphere upon his return. "I didn't feel like it was my home."
Left to fester, such feelings could infect a marriage. But the Sandstroms weren't about to let that happen, and the Army came to their aid with a program aimed at helping couples bond anew after deployment.
The Southern Arizona couple is among thousands nationwide taking advantage of marriage-strengthening retreats the service has been offering as an antidote to a 2004 spike in soldier divorce rates.
So far, the approach appears to be doing some good in the Army, America's largest service. Though it's hard to pinpoint cause and effect, divorce rates fell substantially last year, from 4.1 percent of married soldiers in 2004 to 3.3 percent in 2005. In 2000, before the war on terrorism began, the Army divorce rate was 2.2 percent.
Divorce rates in the Air Force and Marines were relatively unchanged in 2005 compared with the year prior. But the Navy's rate also improved, dropping from 3.7 percent to 2.9 percent.
All the services offer some form of marriage support. Such programs have a practical benefit for the armed forces: Happily wed troops tend to have better attitudes and fewer on-the-job problems. And they're more likely to stay in the service, military officials say.
At Fort Huachuca, about 400 Army family members took part last year in long weekend getaways at resort locales ranging from Sea World in San Diego to the Hilton El Conquistador in Oro Valley.
Couples can bring their children. The youngsters get supervised activities during the day while their parents attend marriage workshops on topics such as "Enhancing Your Love Maps" or "Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration."
After the sessions, spouses and kids hang out, see the sights and practice their enhanced relationship skills. They learn to listen more, blame less and talk things over instead of stewing.
"It helped re-glue the family," Douglas Sandstrom said of the two retreats in which his family took part. The Illinois native said he hoped telling his story would encourage other soldiers and spouses to take advantage of such help.
Wife Sara Sandstrom, also 44, said being married to a soldier is "a little like riding a roller coaster" — a cycle of wrenching separations, "honeymoon" reunions and bumpy readjustments.
When her husband returned from Iraq, "it was tough for him to redefine himself in the home, and it was tough for me to let him," she said. Accustomed to doing everything herself, she found it often seemed easier to continue doing so.
"He comes back, and I'm doing my thing with the kids, getting them out the door for school, getting ready for work. And Doug was like, 'Well, what do I do?' "
Feelings of not belonging anymore are common in soldiers returning from war, even in the absence of more serious problems such as combat stress, said Fort Huachuca chaplain Maj. Glen McFarland, a Mesa native and marriage-counseling specialist.
"It's very surprising to some soldiers how much of a change takes place when they go away," said McFarland, who runs family retreats for the local Army post. "The soldiers are different, and the families they left behind are different."
For spouses, "there's the psychological impact of lying in bed at night alone. You do that often enough and you kind of become another person," the chaplain said.
And soldiers at war may find their emotional landscapes changed by "lying there night after night listening to mortar rounds."
McFarland, 52, sounds like a man speaking from experience — and he is. He spent a year overseas in Bosnia when his children were teens.
"I missed my daughter's first date and all of my son's senior year in high school. My wife was the one who had to decide whether he was allowed to stay out all night on prom night because 'all the other kids were doing it,' " he said.
Besides helping married soldiers stay hitched, the Army offers courses for single soldiers aimed at helping them choose marriage partners wisely — a roundabout way of dampening divorce in the ranks.
Fort Huachuca, for example, offers a course called "How Not to Marry a Jerk." (The secret: Get to know someone first instead of jumping into bed and making sex the basis of a relationship, McFarland said.)
Getting soldiers to seek help can be tricky in a macho environment where troops tend to fear negative career impact if they're seen as weak or unable to cope. Sandstrom, who acts as a liaison between leadership and enlisted personnel at Fort Huachuca, sees those attitudes changing.
"We've done a lot to overcome the stigma. Soldiers are starting to figure out that it's smart to get help," he said.
When marriages go awry, he said, "the smart people do something about it. They don't wait to be one of the statistics."
On StarNet: Keep up with news about the armed services at azstarnet.com/attack
* Contact reporter Carol Ann Alaimo at 573-4138 or at calaimo@azstarnet.com.
Military Family Ping
Tax dollars spent wisely here....our men and women who serve this country deserve this help
The biggest issue my DH and I have had after *every* separation concerns the kids. While he's gone, they grow, mature and are allowed more flexibility. He still sees them as "little" kids and treats them as such. I try to clue him in, but there are so many little things that just don't seem to be important until they come up.
I'll never forget the great "Water War" of '98. The idea that our young son was allowed to go into the kitchen and get himself a cup of water or milk any time he wanted was alien to my poor husband. When he left, the kitchen was a "no-no" area and he still reacted to the habit after he got back. It's such a small thing, but it really caused frustration for all of us for a few weeks.
We both work very hard on communication during those times. We both have to keep an open mind. It's not fair, but his mind has to be much more open than mine. He has to blend into the "new" family. And we have to be understanding that he's been "out of the loop" for a long time and give him a chance to get up to speed.
The whole process usually takes about a month. As long as we're prepared for it, we've discussed it, and we're patient with each other, we get through it just fine. The first few deployments/long field problems were tough, but we've learned.
My advice to young military wives: DON'T try to surprise him with ANYTHING! (Unless you've lost lots of weight. That's OK!) Send him a laundry list of changes the kids have gone through. Let him know any new rules you can think of. It will go smoother.
I'm not sure why this is news...anyone who has been in the military or a part of a military family knows this. It is tough for a guy to come home and find everyone went on living without his help.
Good advice.
No they don't. The National Guard doesn't. I wasn't even provided medical care for injuries I received in Iraq. When I returned, I was told to go see the VA.
As far as our relationship goes, it's gold. We've always taken the "divide and conquer" approach to life. We have our own areas to manage and we don't meddle in each other's affairs. I know it sounds weird to some folks, but it's the perfect arrangement for a military family. He can leave and I can do everything I need to to keep things going without too much trouble. (I do find that I need a man for some things. The vehicles kill me. The truck has a flat tire and I have no idea how to register the vehicles. Better figure that one out by June. I hate the yard work. Home repair is usually OK, but I can't do it all. Thank the Lord that my cousin lives 10 minutes away! Today he fixed two leaky faucets!)
I do miss him when I'm sitting in the ER at 2AM. And late at night I get lonely for him.
So I ebomb his inbox until I get tired! One night I must've sent half a dozen emails over two hours. :-)
BTTT
Love,
Mom
(It's *me*, silly! lol!)
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