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Or maybe I'm watching too much 24. ;)

Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
There is no Santa Claus because Jack Bauer didn't get what he asked for when he was five.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

-1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

-Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

-Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.