Put yourself in my unique position
If I get stoned and sing all night long it's just a
Family Tradition
--Hank Williams Jr.
Posted on 01/25/2006 1:24:45 AM PST by raccoonradio
If he’s going to be a Kennedy, then Christopher Allen needs a new name to reflect his heritage.
How about “Delmont Kennedy.”
Let me explain the significance of “Delmont.” The Kennedys often name their children after historical events or personages. Remember that the alleged love child’s father, Edward Moore Kennedy, was named after old man Joe’s pimp, as Hunter S. Thompson always so delicately put it.
So why shouldn’t Ted’s third son be named after the model name of the 1967 Oldsmobile that Teddy drove off the Vineyard bridge in July 1969?
Delmont Kennedy, come on down! To paraphrase the old chant about Grover Cleveland’s bastard child:
“Ma, Ma, where’s my pa? Gone to Chappaquiddick, ha ha ha."
Now that Delmont’s got a name, he needs some advice in how to properly conduct himself as a Kennedy. First, Delmont, repeat after me, “Do you know who I am?”
If you’re not sure how to jump ugly with the hired help, study the videotapes of your half-brother Patches at LAX a few years back. He committed a triple hate crime — going after an elderly black woman just trying to do her job at the security gate.
Another thing, Delmont: I notice from visiting your Web site that you go — or went — to Framingham State, or as you put it, “Da Big Bad Ham.” I’m sorry, but Kennedys do not go to Da Big Bad Ham. They go to private schools. Even that 3-watt bulb Patches went to Providence College.
The world is your oyster now, Delmont. Lose the beer, kid. That’s for slackers and live-at-home losers. Real Kennedys prefer distilled spirits, which is what the family fortune was built on during Prohibition. Once again, follow the lead of brother Patches: When in doubt, order a Long Island iced tea. Why choose your poison when you can swill six or seven mixed together?
It will take a while before you’re truly initiated into the family. You’re not really a made member until you’ve testified at a cousin’s rape trial. Becoming a Kennedy is a lot like getting your “colors” in the Hells Angels, or making your bones in the Mafia.
Here are a few things that my correspondents and I think Delmont should remember now that he’s on the verge of joining the family:
When a woman says “No,” she really means “Yes.”
Need a job? Think “nonprofit.” No Kennedy in a “nonprofit” ever makes less than $600,000 a year.
You pay for nothing, in a bar or anywhere else. If all else fails, repeat the six words: “Do you know who I am?”
Write a children’s book. It’s what Dad is doing, after all. And you have the obvious title: “Christopher Has Two Daddies.
When in doubt, cheat. Why should you have to take a Spanish exam? Daddy didn’t.
Don’t play golf with the cousins. You don’t want to leave any fingerprints on any of Skakel’s clubs.
Always wear clean underwear. As a Kennedy, you never know when you’re going to be overcome by an uncontrollable urge to remove your trousers. It’s a genetic thing, like alcoholism.
After bedding the babysitter, go after her mother. Considering that Kennedy babysitters are usually no more than 14, chances are Mom is still in close to prime condition.
Ask Ted which state they’re going to buy you. Insist on a bigger one than Patches got — Rhode Island.
Find out whether your mother owns any waterfront property. If she tries to sell it out from under you, go into court and have her declared incompetent. This is where the Kennedy name really comes in handy, Delmont.
Make sure you have a lawyer on speed dial on Easter weekend.
While driving drunk, always keep the canal on your right side.
Welcome to the family, Delmont. See you in court.
--Hank Williams Jr.
Howie Carr, always an entertaining read. LOL!
Little Bill, would this be suitable for your MA ping list, being so local and all? ;-)
"It will take a while before you’re truly initiated into the family. You’re not really a made member until you’ve testified at a cousin’s rape trial."
OUCH!
Saw pictures in the supermarket line this evening. The mistress looks more like a Kennedy than the son does. Are they sure they've got the right guy? Can there be some DNA testing to be sure?
Chris Allen's myspace profile:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=6403473
Says it all.
LOL at this snapshot of Kennedy clan behavior
I could do that, and you can also just do a search for
Howie Carr in the various forums. :)
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