Posted on 01/11/2006 12:58:24 AM PST by beaversmom
DEAR ABBY: I am a female who is almost 38 years old. Most of my adult life has been spent in school, working or traveling. It is only in the last two years that I have met someone and settled down somewhat -- although we are not married. We are both artists, so much of our time is filled doing the things that we love and believe in. Neither of us feels a giant void in our relationship or our lives that needs to be filled by a baby.
In the past year or so, several of my co-workers and other people I barely know keep asking, ``When are you going to have a baby?'' or, ``You only have a couple more years -- aren't you going to have a baby?'' or, ``Don't you want kids?''
My family doesn't even ask me these questions! I think they are extremely rude and intrusive, and I resent the simple-minded assumption that just because a person has a uterus and ovaries she must make a baby. How should I respond to these questions?
Childless and happy in Texas
(Excerpt) Read more at mercurynews.com ...
As a stay-at-home mother, I used to get uptight when asked what I do for a living. I always felt I needed to defend my decision and possibly whip out my diploma and scores on the CPA exam to prove I have a brain. Now, I realize that they are just looking for a place to start, and they are often as uncomfortable with my answer as I am with their question!
The co-workers may just enjoy watching her squirm, or they may really want to know what makes her tick. But if they really want to know her, they need to get past the basic facts and preconceptions. Someone who is childless may have fertility problems, medical problems, personal issues or perhaps a calling in life that doesn't mesh well with family life.
You won't know a person until you develop a relationship with them, and many people don't want to put in the effort!
I don't think it's rude for people to ask that question since, it's the normal thing for humans to do. Sounds like a 'woman' thing to me.
I think a 12-pack weighs about 8 1/2 pounds... ;-)
Sounds like a 'Neanderthal' thing to me.
:eyeroll:
I feel that if you are asked a personal question you don't wish to discuss, you should reply in a way that is rude. (Hoe else are they going to learn?)
You would have a hard time getting along in the American South. Politeness is stressed over almost every virtue. And, as has been stated before, not every stupid question is neccessarily impolite, it depends on the intentions of the questioner.
I think the rudest question to a new mom is "are you breastfeeding"?
I don't know about that... I think the question "Can I help / watch / try some" might actually be ruder!
OK...spit coffee on the monitor moment!!!haha!!
I know plenty of couples who had a baby because they were "bored" with their marriage. Now the kids get to play the visitation game every other weekend.
I agree.
The article didn't indicate that she was married to this fellow.
She would be doing that child no favors by having a baby for "having a baby's sake" by reproducing out of wedlock.
Some people just should not reproduce. But if she ever did, I pray that she would be pleasantly surprised (and married).
I don't know. "How's the episiotome?" usually get's a rise out of the new mom! ;-P
Seriously, the author of the letter appears to be searching for a reason - probably ANY reason - to be upset. While those around her may be insensitive to her feelings, I don't believe that any offense is intended, on the whole.
If she stopped worrying about the question and started using some snappy answers to disengage from the conversation, I'm sure that most of her coworkers would stop asking.
In the end, I live by the rule that a negative reaction to a particular topic of conversation removes that topic from the list of possible subjects for later talks.
What kind of person asks another when they are going to have a baby? It's almost par to 'when are you getting married?'. Just nosy people who intend the question to hurt the other or just need a life of their own.
We are in a similar situation to that of the writer. My wife is a full-time artist who works with glazes and other chemicals that could seriously mess up a pregnancy. We married in our late 30's and are quite happy enjoying the time with each other, and yes, we both acknowledge that we are not cut out for child-rearing, being caught up in our own pursuits.
If people are nosy enough to presume that their expectations should be ours as well and ask "the question", we simply say that God has led us along a different path, or depending on the questioner, I take the brutally honest approach, smile, and say, "We're both way too selfish to give children the time and effort they deserve."
Truly stupid! What if the kids are not so attractive? "My gosh, your kids are ugly! Can't you send them back?"
It's odd that people have to feel defensive when they're asked personal questions like this, but I guess we all do. A couple of years ago, I was in an exercise class of middle aged women (of which I am one, in good standing), and they tended to talk a lot about their kids - how they were doing in high school, where they were applying for college, wedding preparations, etc.
Finally someone asked me, "Do you have kids?" and I said no, then bracing myself for the sympathy/mild disapproval I often receive. Instead the woman who asked me laughed and said, "Oh! You decided to have disposable income, instead!" :)
My wife and I are childless because we are medically unable to have children. I'm 35 now, and of course I'm bombarded with the usual "so, when are YOU gonna start having babies?" by coworkers, etc. For a long time, my response would be to smile and say, "Well... God-willing," because, frankly, I don't want to come across as someone looking for a pity-party. But now I get the feeling that people think my wife and I are just a couple of self-absorbed DINKs who are avoiding the sacrifices that go along with child-rearing.
Well, I decided it was just time to start letting people know, "Thanks for your concern, but we're not able to have children". I still don't feel comfortable about that, but it's better than looking like a selfish loser.
The hardest part of not having children (aside from not having children), is the sense of isolation. The block on which we live has minimum three kids per household. We're the freaky childless couple, and frankly, no one can relate to us. That's the most difficult aspect, socially. People want to share their joy with us, but don't think we can relate, or, people do share their joy with us, and we just CAN'T relate.
And, no, we don't feel called to adoption. The system is a nightmare and not something we feel we can negotiate at this point in our lives. We're at peace with the situation. We just worry about being alone in our later years, but God will take care of us...
Now, we did start giving one co-worker a hard time about that when he and his wife had their 9th. Mainly because some of us knew that they lived in a 3 bedroom, 1700 square foot house. One day, he was looking stressed and the pressure was getting to him, and the next day he was gone. Two days later, he showed back up, looking more relaxed than any of us had seen him. Finally, I asked him what was going on, and he said "We moved into a new 6 bedroom, 4300 square foot house. The kids don't know what to do with themselves!!"
Now, reading the headline reminded me of the old addage, "Never ask a woman if she's pregnant." My ex-wife was 9 months pregnant. She was going to her desk to grab the last of her stuff before she went out on maternity leave. Some guy was getting in the elevator with her and said "So, when are you having the baby?" She turned, and without missing a beat said "WHAT BABY???" in the most cold tone she could generate (and believe me, she could freeze over Hell itself with that tone.) He went completely pale, falling all over himself apologizing all the way up the elevator ride, and then she got out and said to him "You never ask a woman that. I'm leaving on maternity leave today, but it's just not a safe question."
Paul
Ya know, many times when a woman shacks up with a guy, she's hoping the girlie man will turn into a real one and ask her to marry him. Some of the girlie men will do the right thing eventually.
In conclusion, if you feel less-than-special about such a situation, OR you already know you're a selfish euro-wannabe, certainly you'll be upset to be asked such questions. If you're "happy in Texas" or wherever, why be upset about such questions?
I learned not to ask when a woman was planning to have children at age 5. I asked a friend of my mothers, who, as it turned out, had just had a miscarriage.
After she left the house, my mother explained to me that such questions were personal questions, and were never to be asked, either of strangers or friends. If it's a stranger, it's none of your danged business in the first place. If it's a friend, that friend will volunteer any information she wishes to share.
That made sense to me at age 5, and still makes sense to me today. There are thousands of topics of conversation one can have with strangers and friends. Personal questions like "When are you having a baby" should be off-limits unless the other person brings up the subject.
"We just worry about being alone in our later years, but God will take care of us..."
Don't worry. We are childless by choice; I have no siblings, and my husband has one geographically distant brother. Instead, we have close friends all around us, and will continue to do so as we get older. You can't mandate that a biologically created family will be close. One reason we did not have children was because my husband had what he describes as a "Kafkaesque" childhood, and my husband and his brother have absolutely as little to do with their mother as they possibly can.
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