I don't know how you managed to miss every single important thing about this film . . . that must be some sort of record.
I think the basic problem is that you're approaching it as a grownup . . . and you can't. It's not a grownup's movie and the books aren't for grownups or even for big kids - I would peg them at the 7-8 year old level. I first read them when I was 6.
I will say that, although you can enjoy the movie without the books, it helps to have read them first. I think (I can't really remember when I HADN'T read them.)
A bunch of my 17 y.o. daughter's friends went to see it together, and they were kind enough to let an old lady tag along. They all loved it to distraction - boys and girls between the ages of 15 and 18. One kid who is an exchange student from Croatia was a little bit puzzled about the other kids' very strong reactions to the film -- he thought it was pretty good but didn't understand why everyone was having such an emotional reaction (several of the girls were in tears, and I sniffled a little myself). All the other kids fell over themselves trying to explain, one girl summed it up pretty well I think: "This is our CHILDHOOD!" There's a nostalgia among teens (and grownups) who remember their moms and dads reading this book to them . . . sort of the same thing that drives some of the Winnie-the-Pooh mania. A FReeper whose name I can't remember pointed out that it's kind of like watching home movies -- if you know the folks involved it's a much more intense experience!
You are missing the point, especially from a Christian standpoint.
Krispy Kreme?!?!? He is supposed to go for Turkish Delight!!!!! My favorite sweet and one of the reasons I liked the book so much as a child. I fer=ared that I might have gone with the witch myself if she had offered me chocolate covered Turkish Delight. lol