Ha! They are as nothing compared with my uncle's brilliant and utterly crushing responses to everyone here's feeble witticisms.
OK BIG SHOTS!
I challenge all of you to some undefined competition or other that I'll keep suitably vague in case anyone takes me up on it, and I'm naming my uncle as my champion. The winner gets the lifelong personal services of Nicole Kidman and Cameron Diaz (or Russell Crowe and Brad Pitt if their tastes are so inclined), but because I am currently married bigamously to the last 5 winners of the Miss Universe competition (who are all looking a bit tired after my Herculean bedroom efforts) I'll donate my winnings to a charity of my choice.
Bullies!