From Coldfury:
The Living Constitution of the United States (sob) of America
We hold these truths to be open to interpretation, that all Men, Wymyrns, Chyldryns, and Animals are created Equal and must remain exactly so throughout the course of their Lives, especially in an economic sense; that they are endowed by the Government of their Betters with certain negotiable Rights, ripe for Dialoguing, that among these are Life (in the Collective), Liberty (to a point), and the pursuit of Happiness (to be defined by us at a later date, and to specifically preclude the practice of Christianity and Judaism) –That to define these rights, Governments are instituted among Men by their Betters, deriving their absolute powers from the consent of the Enlightened, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of Individual Liberty, it is the Right of the Elite to expand it, and to institute new Rules incessantly, laying their foundation on such principles and organizing its powers as Political Correctness shall demand, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Seeming Surface Harmony and Balance with Gaia.
Therefore, We the Enlightened Transnational Progressive People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfectly Obedient Union of powerless States, establish Social Justice, insure Tranquilized Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the Welfare State, and secure the Blessings of Groupthink to ourselves and our Posterity (if any), do ordain and establish this Living Constitution for the United States (*sob*) of America.
Article. I. Section 1. All Powers shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate, a House of Representatives, and a Mainstream Media. A President shall have some Power for Himself, as long as he is not a Republican and doesn’t start acting up, like by trying to defend the country from foreign aggression or trying to kill Terrorists or some other such Wingnut Chickenhawk bullshit.
Section. 2. There shall be no such thing as an Electoral College. That is just crazy talk.
Section. 3. The Times, Places and Manner of holding Elections for Presidents, Senators, and Representatives, shall be prescribed in each State by the Governing Liberal Elite thereof; but the Congress may at any time by Law make or alter such Regulations, except as to the Places of chusing Senators (see Amdmt. 17). If the results of any given Election shall be displeasing to a majority of the Liberal Elite, such results shall be legally vacated by a sufficient number of editorials and protest signs proclaiming that the Victorious Individual has been “Selected not Elected.” Any Election Regulation that may lead to said Displeasing Result can and shall be changed after the fact, to more suitably reflect the will of the Enlightened. Any protest against such action shall in future be referred to Exclusively as “Wingnut Whinging.”
Bill of Malleable Particulars
Article [I.] Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of Christian or Judaic religion, or prohibiting the free exercise of Islamism, Wiccanism, or Paganism; or abridging the freedom of speech of the Enlightened, or of the Mainstream Press, such term understood to specifically exclude Wingnut Bloggers or any and all aggregations of Americans organized to redress grievances not involving Environmentalism, Racial Preferences, or any other Cause the Enlightened approves of (such aggregations hereafter to be known as Special Interests); or the right of the Enlightened to assemble and riot if necessary, in protest or other attempt to Speak Truth to Power, and to petition the Government for a redress of Imagined Grievances.
Article [II.] There is no Article II. There never was. Look, over there! A lion! No, really! Look!
Article [III.] No Soldier shall, in time of peace be not spat upon or reviled, without the consent of the Enlightened, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by Political Expedience. The Enlightened shall claim exclusive right to define this as Supporting the Troops, and to deny that it ever happened years after the Fact.
Article [IV.] The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not exist, and no Fatwas shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or delusional affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Article [V.] No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia (which Term refers exclusively to the subordinate branch of the US Military known as the National Guard), when in actual service in time of War or public danger, excepting Fitzmas; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb unless for a Crime against the Progressive State; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law unless for a Crime against the Progressive State; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
Wait a minute; let’s just forget we said that last bit, okay?
Article [VI.] In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to an endless and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, or some other State depending upon the Commerce Clause and upon whether it suits us, which district shall have been previously ascertained by our Say-So, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him, except in the case of Traffic Cameras or Anonymous Elite and/or Mainstream Media Accusers; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Unpaid and Incompetent Counsel for his defence. Or the ACLU, as they shall see fit.
Article [VII.] In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty thousand dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law. Except for Civil Rights Court.
Article [VIII.] Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor any real punishments inflicted. Rehabilitation shalt be thy mantra, and Compassion shalt be thy Goal.
Article [IX.] The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the State.
Article [X.] The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the Government School System, are reserved to the Liberal Arts Universities respectively, or to the Mainstream Media.