Lesbian Spank Inferno deserves many accolades, it should get Oscars in every category, including best screenplay, what there is of it.
TS
(a-hem. if I mention anything like "tongue-in-cheek", I'd probably get in even more trouble, so let's just skip over that.)
I'm sure this ranks right up there with Pixar's offerings as family fare.
Oh, I'd love to see a remake of Lesbian Spank Inferno, starring Jennifer Connelly, Thandie Newton, Heather Graham, Cahterine Bell, and Salma Hayek. And I'd offer my services to star as the one male heterosexual in the film, who converts these lesbians into bisexualdom, all at the same time of course. It would be a long shoot, however, because it would take many many many many many many many many many many many takes. Many takes.
Susan: Tell us in a reasonable amount of details the story of Lesbian Spank Inferno. Come on, tell us the moving tale of the fifteen spanking lesbians.
Sally: I have never understood the male obsession with lesbianism. A whole area of sex with nothing for them to do. I just answered my own question.
Susan: I think they like to imagine they can get in there and convert them.
Patrick: exactly
...
Susan: Anyway, I think Steve was going to tell us all a story unless of course he’s too embarrassed
Steve: OK, erm, Lesbian Spank Inferno opens with five lesbian film makers, a collective you might say, who were having a competition to see who can make the best lesbian film
Susan: film makers?
Steve: yep, independent film makers
Susan: meaning?
Steve: meaning, they’re the kind of girls who don't want to deal with the studio bosses, focus groups, all that industry smoozing
Susan: meaning they’ve got cameras in their bedrooms
Steve: so neatly avoiding the whole studio system
Susan: very clever
Steve: yes. So during the opening act of the film they are meeting up to see each others' films and see who did the best one
Sally: and I’m guessing we see all the films
Steve: exactly, we see a film inside a film as the tension mounts
Jill: do those films have plots too?
Steve: no, they're more mood pieces
Susan: expressionistic
Steve: very much so
Jeff: at the top of their voices
Steve: yes thank you Jeff you can stop helping me now. So basically they watch the films and pick a winner. So, that’s the movie. There you go.
Susan: so what does the winner get? Isn’t she presented with a trophy or something?
Steve: erm, yeah, she gets a sort of trophy
Jeff: a trophy? Oh that!
Susan: what kind of trophy?
Jeff: three speeds.
Steve: yes you can stop helping my now, Jeff
Patrick: what about the spanking? not a lot of spanking there?
Steve: yes thank you for bringing that up Patrick. God knows if that had slipped by unnoticed
Patrick: no problem
Sally: so, the spanking then?
Steve: well, as a spur to future excellence amongst the lesbian film collective they decide the loser-- the one that made the worst film-- better have a bit of a spanking
Sally: she must be a bit pissed off
Steve: oddly enough she suggests it
Sally: she suggests it?
Steve: she’s very dedicated
Jane: it's not much of an inferno though is it, one woman?
Steve: it goes on a bit
Susan: why is that exactly? Very strict collective is it?
Steve: well she keeps saying “ooh, don’t stop”
Jill: why?
Steve: I think she feels quite badly about her film
Susan: still not much of an inferno, though, Steve
Steve: so, then, the winner says “ooh, I want a spanking too”
Jill: why?
Susan: two people still not much of an inferno
Steve: well, then they all decide that they want a bit of a spanking
Jill: yeah, but why?
Steve: sisterhood. Oh god.
Jill: how could you possibly enjoy a film like that?
Steve: because it’s got naked women in it. Look I like naked women, I’m a bloke I’m supposed to like them. We’re born like that. We like naked women as soon as we’re pulled out of one-- halfway down the birth canal we’re already enjoying the view. Look it is the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche, we like naked women, stockings, lesbians and Sean Connery best as James Bond because that’s what being a boy is and if you don’t like it darling join a film collective. Look I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table there but that does not stop me wanting me to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die because that’s what being a bloke is. When man invented fire he didn’t say “hey let's cook” he said “great now we can see naked bottoms in the dark” as soon as Caxton invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of women's naked bottoms. We have turned the internet into an enormous international database of naked bottoms. So the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly girls, I’m not sure how insulted you really ought to be.
--Coupling ("Inferno")