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http://www.greaterthings.com/Humor/SterCrazy/BATF.htm

"20 Things to say when BATF troops storm your house"

1. "I returned the video yesterday. It was only one hour late!"
2. "I gave my fast offerings to the deacon when he came here Sunday."
3. "I meant to let my boss win the game of chess, I really did!"
4. "It was the neighbor's cat! I swear!"
5. "Does your mom know where you are, playing with those guns and all?"
6. "I swear I was going to take the trash out in five minutes. Can't you just give me a break?"
7. "The candy bars are in the freezer. You can take them all but the Kit Kats. You would not like facing my wife if you took them."
8. "Uh, oh, did Roofus poop on Mr. Fernwilder's lawn again?"
9. "The light bulbs are in the pantry. It's the fixture in the hall that went out."
10. "Don't you guys have anything better to do?"
11. "No, I won't vote for Gore. How many times do I have to tell you?"
12. "The dead mouse is in the bathroom. The cat killed it not ten minutes ago."
13. "Did you wipe your boots? We just had the carpets cleaned."
14. "You can take your gas mask off. Johnny closed his bedroom door."
15. "The laundry room is down the hall and to the right. Thanks for coming to repair that terrible squeaking noise."
16. "We were about to have Family Home Evening. Would you like to join us?"
17. "Uh oh, did I forget to tip the newspaper boy again?"
18. "See, Timmy, I told you you would get in big trouble if you didn't take your elbows off the table."
19. "Next door. They're the ones with the noisy dog."
20. "Tell Janet she can take the $20.00 for the parking ticket out of my tax return."
21. "Honey, I told you we shouldn't have taken that mattress tag off."