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It's like the penalty that the Mabongo tribe has.

You see, Bill Clinton, John Kerry, and Ted Kennedy were fact-finding in darkest Africa, and were captured by the Mabongo. They were brought before the chief, and first he addressed Ted.

"You have profaned our sacred lands," the chief intoned. "There are only two penalties, and the choice is yours: Death, or Bongo!"

Kennedy asked for a drink, which was refused, and then he decided. "Death is pretty final," he said. "Give me Bongo."

"Bongo!" shouted the chief, and the whole tribe began chanting "Bongo, Bongo, Bongo!," beating their drums, and behaving like, well, savages.

Then ten strapping Mabongo warriors came out and, one after another, had their way with the aged Senator. He was left in tears, but alive, and clutching his pants to hold them up, he shuffled off into the jungle.

The chief then fixed his beady eyes on John Kerry.

"I was in Vietnam," Kerry said.

"I know the Vietnamese," the chief said. "Taste like chicken. But enough stalling. You have profaned our sacred lands. It's up to you: Death, or Bongo!"

Kerry swallowed, which with his long turkey neck bought him a few seconds. He was not at all keen on being the date of ten strapping warriors (not unless they were very, very wealthy). For the first time in his life, he didn't want to be photographed -- with his luck the Swift Boat Veterans and POWs For Truth would get hold of it. But he wasn't eager to die. "Ted survived it," he thought, "and he's older and way out of shape." He reluctantly said, in a very low voice, "Bongo."

"Did you hear that!" crowed the chief. "Bongo!" The whole tribe began chanting "Bongo, Bongo, Bongo!," and beating their drums, and then the strapping Mabongo warriors came out.

But to Kerry's shock and dismay there were not ten warriors, but a hundred. And, one after another, had their way with the junior Senator. It was only his fitness-obsessed body that let him survive it (and his fondness for all things French that let him enjoy it a little). It took some time for him to rise up from the sacrificial altar, and, groaning, shuffle off into the jungle.

Bill Clinton observed this without a word, but his steel-trap Rhodes Scholar mind had closed on the idea that the next logical number in the sequence that begins 10, 100 is not a survivable Bongo session.

His lip quivered, but he faced the chief bravely, his lip quivering like it did when Hill choked up on the rolling pin. "Y'all don't need to give me your little speech," the ex-President announced. "I'll take Death!"

The chief rocked back on his bamboo throne, shocked for a moment into silence. Then he showed his teeth in a wide grin and announced: "Death... by Bongo!"

And the villagers began chanting "Bongo, Bongo, Bongo!," and beating their drums...

d.o.l.

Criminal Number 18F