"My parents made it very clear that when I graduated from college, I was on my own and not to expect anything from them in the way of financial help. And that's the way it was and has been. Sink or swim -- on my own."
We have an odd society now. Parents use their kids as status symbols. Rather than thinking what's best for the kids, they "do" for them, and make sure everyone knows. Private schools, great vacations, lessons in everything, all the best toys.
I'm old school. We have 3 kids. For the first 16 years of marriage, we were 1 income, I worked my tail off outside the home, she worked hers off at home. My kids got what they needed, but not all they wanted. Our home was modest, our vacations were simple, camping, amusement parks, etc.
But there is huge pressure to "give more", to try to keep your kids up with the Joneses. Even though we weren't poor, at times we were made to feel like bottom feeders. Probably had to do with the guilt that others felt because their kids had no one at home when they came home from school, mine did.
Now, college age, my first went to a tech school and is a computer tech. I made him pay about 30% of his school bill. Partly because I just couldn't afford it, and partly because, it was his school, I don't owe that to him. My parents raised me that way. For college, they helped a little, but most of it was on me. It was clear, once I was 18, I was owed nothing.
Now, my wife works outside the home, we have a little more money, and my 2nd child is going to college. She commutes. I could afford to pay 100% but I refuse. She's getting loans, and I'm paying some. I paid 50% of her first semester. She did ok but not great, so I'm paying about 50% of the 2nd semester. If she brings her grades up, maybe I'll pay a bit more on the 3rd semster, she knows this. I don't owe her a college education. She needs to be on the hook for this to know that it's not just a party.
When people hear how I'm handling it, they look at me like I'm an abusive parent. I was strict with my kids, hardest on the first, (a textbook case). Wouldn't you know, the nicest, most responsible of the 3 is the first. But, again, I was seen as being horrible to him. Strict, (not abusive, strict), is looked down on in society today.
Society makes being a good parent very, very difficult.
You were NOT abusive, you were doing the right thing. If there is ever an example, look at Sam Walton (Wal-Mart) and how he handled his children and family. He and his wife live in the same little shotgun house he bought after WWII til he died. He was worth over $9 Billion then. Their kids got 0, none, nada help from dad as they entered adulthood. He made very very sure that they knew what it took to stand on their own as adults. I remember seeing a soundbite of his daughter, who was married and in her 20's at the time with one little baby saying, "Yeah, it's kinda strange when we (husband and her) need some of the plumbing fixed in the house and you know dad won't help." Dang straight. Dad knew you need to learn how solve problems like this on your own without running to him every time something breaks or goes wrong. Of course Sam did transfer his wealth before he died, but I think all of them learned their lessons. We won't see any Paris Hiltons or Nicole Ritchies.
"Society makes being a good parent very, very difficult."
So true! Sometimes you feel like you are rowing upstream against a very strong current! The Good Lord only blessed us with one child, but your experiences echo our own. I was a stay-at-home mom until our daughter was in school, and then I only worked parttime. We had a nice home, but not anything fancy. We had what we needed but never had money for a boat, RV, fancy vacation, etc. that our other friends seem to be able to afford. (Maybe they couldn't afford it -- maybe they were up to their eyeballs in debt.) When it came time for college, we helped out some, but our daughter worked and took out loans. She graduated a couple of years ago and now is repaying the loans. She is getting married in a few months, and she and her fiance are buying a house. They are coming up with the downpayment themselves. My daughter told me that they would never think of asking us for the money, that it was their responsibility. Makes me proud. We must have done something right!